*The sound of a vacuum abruptly ceases and a slim, young Japanese man looks up with mild boredom*

Yu: Oh. It's you. Nightfall wants me to read you this standard disclaimer due to the fact that she's currently rolling around in a corner, giggling like a freak at her own "genius." *snorts* Genius my ass... Anyhow. *pulls out a sheet of paper* 'The following fic deals with male/male pairings. If you are made uncomfortable by the thought of two guys together then maybe you shouldn't read this, although it is purely comedic and not really graphic or anything. PS: Yu, I kinda broke the iron.' NANI?!!!

Wedding Bells and Blue-Suede Shoes

An exceedingly stupid piece of work by Miss Nightfall

 

The day that had so far only existed in sweet, honey-lanced dreams had finally come. Sunlight slanted gently through the treetops to dapple the ground and to lovingly caress the beloved figure kneeling in the glade. His eyes, clearer than the sky on a fine summer's day, were tender and utterly captivating.

 "Gourry..."

 Gourry Gabriev smiled, his handsome face softening when he did so that it became achingly beautiful; he looked like a benevolent angel fallen to earth. "Please, will you marry me?" he asked, his youthful eyes sparkling. He produced a simple golden band from his pocket and slipped it onto the offered, trembling, hand. Cerulean eyes widened in delighted surprise.

 "Oh Gourry, yes! Yes I will!"

Gourry nearly fell over due to the forceful hug bestowed upon him, and he grinned, burying his face in the warm neck of his partner, his one and only love...

"Zelgadis..."

Neither of them wanted a big wedding, and neither of them particularly wanted to have to deal with their friends on their special day. After some debate, the two lovers came to a unanimous decision as to where the site of their romantic union should be: Las Vegas, Nevada. 

Gourry and Zelgadis clambered out of their cab in front of the Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love wedding chapel and barely avoided being run over by a red convertible piloted by a strung-out looking man with huge sunglasses and an odd hat who was busily yelling about bats to his Samoan passenger. After this little scare, the two linked hands and entered the building. 

"And so we take the first few steps towards our life together," Zelgadis murmured huskily, his eyes seeing Gourry and ONLY Gourry.

"Yeah, and those steps lead to crappy plastic chairs. Welcome to the line-up, boys."

Gourry and Zelgadis blinked in unison and looked around, noticing for the first time that the waiting-room of the chapel was CRAMMED with other people.... all of them men. 

"What the--" Zel began and then made a revolted choking noise as he recognised who had spoken to him.

"GARV?!!"

The Mazoku Lord nodded at him, one heavy eyebrow cocked. "Well it ain't the fuckin' tooth-fairy. Say hi, Val."

Valgarv, who had been all but invisible behind his massive master, leaned out and muttered a gruff hello. His arms were firmed wrapped around one of Garv's considerable biceps.  

"What are YOU two doing here?" Zel asked incredulously. Val snorted. 

"Same thing as everybody else," Garv said. He looked at Val gently. "Getting' married." Val made a little squeaky noise of happiness and Garv turned his gaze back on Zelgadis and Gourry. "Due to some weird zoning problem this is the only chapel in town that allows male/male marriages. An' since Vegas is more fun than Virginia..." He shrugged. 

Zelgadis nodded, dumbstruck. "I see." 

Gourry smiled and yanked Zelgadis into a chair. "Well, I guess we wait now, Zel-kun." 

Zel shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah..." He let his eyes scan the room, marvelling that there were so MANY men waiting to get married... Suddenly he choked and tugged at Gourry's sleeve. "Gourry," he hissed. "Look over there! Is that--? Is that--?" 

Gourry stared. "ZANGALUS?!" he cried. 

The scarecrow-esque swordsman looked up from snuggling with his robed companion. "GOURRY?!" he choked out, then jumped to his feet, whipping a big ol' phallic sword out of NoWhere. "Stand and fight!" 

Gourry sighed. "You're still mad at me, aren't you?"

Zangalus' sword wavered. "Of course I'm still mad!" he shouted. "You walked out of the door, out of my LIFE without any warning at all! You--" 

Zel started and glared at Gourry. "WHAT?! Did you and he--? Gourry, how could you?!" 

"Ooh, lover's spat," Nuriko murmured and ripped his attention away from the utterly bish-a-liscious emperor he was mauling in favour of watching the quarrel. Hottohori smiled and did his best to smooth his now rather rumpled robes. 

"Zel-kun, it was a long time ago," Gourry said placatingly. "And Zangalus, we BOTH decided it would never work." 

"Besides," Zel added smugly, "You're here with someone else."

Zangalus twitched as he remembered his companion. He turned and found Vrumagen practically in tears. 

"Zangaluth," Vrummy lisped. "Don't you care for me at ALL?" 

"Oh.... Shit." 

Zel sighed and looked around the room again, his eyes landing on an attractive pair sitting across the room. One of the pair, the one with long hair, seemed to be trying to feel the other boy up in public. These attempts were met with growing hostility until at last... 

"KOJI GET YOUR HAND OFF THAT!!!" 

Zel shook his head. "Very weird," he muttered.  

"Oh yeah, like you two look like a normal pair?" quipped the large, muscular blonde sitting not far away. Zel glared at him.  

"Well, who are you with?" the chimera challenged. The blonde grinned widely and threw an arm around the pale, raven-haired young man sitting next to him.  

"Say hi, Marron!" he instructed cheerfully. The smaller man blushed a deep scarlet and tried to sink into his chair. 

"Hi," he muttered quietly. He turned to the big guy. "Gateau, could you maybe not hug me so hard? I think I can hear my ribs cracking..." 

"Oh, sorry." Gateau relaxed his grip a little. "Hey Marron...?" 

Marron sighed contentedly and rested his head against one of Gateau's broad shoulders. "Mmm?" 

Gateau leaned close and whispered in his lover's ear. "Can we have sex? Like, right now? I don't think anybody will mind..." 

Marron froze, then whapped Gateau over the head and tried to run away. Unfortunately he still had one of Gateau's arms draped over his shoulders so he didn't get far. 

Suddenly the doors to the actual chapel swung wide and a couple emerged. Those waiting cheered and threw rice, except for Zelgadis and Gourry, who just stared. 

"What are YOU looking at?" snarled the man in the white poofy wedding gown. He looked about ready to strike out. 

"They're just amazed by how great you look in that dress, Saionji," crooned the redhead groom. He nibbled the "bride's" neck lightly. "I know I am."

Saionji melted a little, his eyes softening a tad. "Really, Touga? You don't think I look..." He glanced down at himself and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Stupid?" 

Touga smiled the smile that melts knees and hardens other body parts. "Of COURSE not!" He nuzzled Saoinji's neck again. "You look beautiful." 

"Nah. You look stupid," Ryu from Street Fighter commented blithely. Saionji whirled on him and whipped a sword out of NoWhere.  

"Why you little--!!" 

As Touga and Ken tried to restrain their respective lovers, Gourry and Zelgadis slowly sneaked ahead in the line-up. They were able to get past Duo and Heero, who were busily arguing the importance of pissing Gundams and also past Darun and Narsus who seemed involved in a heated debate about something... 

"All I'm SAYING, Darun, is that if we had an 'open' marriage then maybe the Prince could occasionally come to visit, if you know what I mean..." 

"That's disgusting!" 

"Oh please, you ignorant pig, like YOU hadn't thought of it? I've seen how you look at him!" 

For no apparent reason, Zelgadis shuddered as he and Gourry arrived at the head of the line. For one weird moment his mind had turned to the thought of a lot of snow, and strangest of all, a bucks' head... 

He and Gourry waited patiently, their stomachs identical knots of exhilarated nervousness. Zel could hear a faint pounding noise and at length realised it was NOT the sound of his heart but rather a noise coming from the closed broom-closet beside him... After listening a few more minutes Zel found he could also hear the distinct sound of someone gasping "Da" over and over again. Curious, Zel opened the broom-closet... 

"Do ya mind? We're on a fuckin' honeymoon here!!" panted the redhead. The blue-haired one didn't even seem to notice the interruption. Zel 'gikued' and slammed the door shut. 

"Next?" asked a voice. Zel turned and saw a short girl with pink hair smiling cheerily at him and Gourry. "It's your turn," she explained. "Please come with me." 

Gourry and Zelgadis followed the diminutive figure, both with the eerie feeling that they had met the girl somewhere before... They were led into the chapel where Elvis greeted them and then started a rock rendition of 'Here Comes the Bride.' Slowly, trying to ignore Elvis' frantic pelvic gyrations, the two of them made their way down the aisle until they stood at the altar.  

"Yare, yare, let's get this show on the road then, shall we?" 

Zelgadis froze. Gourry blinked. 

"XELLOSS?!" they cried in unison. The Trickster smiled cheerfully at them. 

"YOU'RE going to marry us?!" Zelgadis asked with horrified disbelief. 

Xelloss nodded. "I am a priest you know." 

Zel wished for a hole to crawl into and die. "Fine," he muttered. "Let's get this farce over with." 

Xelloss smiled. "Okay. Gourry, do you take Zelgadis as your lawfully wedded chimera? To have and to hold and to screw like weasels in heat until death do you part?" 

Gourry nodded happily as Zelgadis turned fun colours. "I do." 

"And Zelgadis, do you take Gourry as your lawfully wedded idiot, to have and to hold and to whimper underneath in the THROES of ultimate ECTSASY as he pounds your trembling body into the mattress--" 

"ENOUGH already!! I do!! Zelgadis shouted, face so red it looked like he was choking. 

Xelloss smirked. "Very well then. By the power invested in me by the state of Nevada and the Dark Lords of the Mazoku race, I know pronounce you dumb and dumber. You may now share saliva with each other!" 

Shy now, Zel tilted his head up towards Gourry's. Their lips brushed softly, expressing in a single simple gesture all the love that they had for one another.... 

"Slip him the tongue, Gourry!" 

"KISAMA! FIREBALL!!!!" 

**The End**

 

Yes, I know that you can't have same-sex marriages in Nevada. I don't care; I wanted Vegas as the setting. Yes, I know I'm on crack. As for the pissing Gundams, I have no idea... I just know that someone told me that they have pissing contests with the Gundams, okay? And as for the pink-haired girl... I bought Lina X a pink wig recently. That girl is her, incognito. Anything I missed...? No? Okay. Ja ne!

Fanfics