*Miss N sits in her usual black chair, surveying her room with little interest and casting a wary look every now and then at her rhetoric text. Zelgadis and Gourry are moving back and forth across the room, clashing "light-sabres" -actually bokkens stolen from Saionji- as they re-enact Star Wars*

Zel: Join the Dark Side, Luke... *funky shwaashing noise*

Gourry: You're not my father! *shwahh shwaaah clang shwaaah*

Miss N: *sighs and tries to ignore them* Man... I think I need a distraction. A GOOD one... *sighs and looks around, her eye landing on a scrap of paper laying near her desk* Hello, what have we here? *reads, then grins slowly and evilly* Oh, this is too good to perpetrate alone... But who to help me with this utterly VILE and evil task? Somebody with no morals and an overabundance of hormones would be ideal... Of course! *scoots past "Luke" and "Darth" to her closet, which she tosses open to reveal her altar. She lights a candle and then writes four words upon a piece of paper, speaking them aloud as she burns the paper* 'Once upon a time...'

Zel: *pauses* What is she doing over there?

Gourry: *shrugs* Sounds like she's starting a story...

*Suddenly there is a poof of funky smoke and a short girl falls from NoWhere to land in a heap... on top of Miss N*

Writer: ...there was a girl who-- Hey, where am I? *looks down to see what she's sitting on* Nightfall?

Miss N: Gwaghhh... yes. Would you mind...?

Writer: Whoops. Hehheh. *gets up*

Miss N: *likewise standing* Hi! I summoned you again.

Writer: So I noticed. Why? Do we get to play with the bishies again? *hopeful look*

Miss N: Well, not in THAT way... or least not yet. I had a more... sinister idea. *as she says the word 'sinister' the lights dim and ominous music plays*

Writer: *looks at the light strangely* Oooh, sounds fun! What do you have in mind?

Miss N: *produces the piece of paper she'd found earlier* It's an ad for a job.

Writer: *reading carefully* Now hiring at 'Teaser's Bar and Grill'... *looks at Miss N oddly* WHAT?

Miss N: I hear that a pretty girl can make decent cash at places like this.

Writer: *looks at Miss N REALLY strangely* WHAT?! You want to go and work at a place like that?

Miss N: NO! Don't be stupid. Sheesh. I want money, but not THAT badly. We'll get the bishies to do it FOR us!

Writer: Uhm... don't those places hire GIRLS?

Miss N: Yes, but as we all know most of the harem can pass for women QUITE easily... *sly look at Gourry and Zel*

Zel: Run. Now.

*They drop their 'borrowed' bokkens and bolt out of the room*

Miss N: *grins* So, what do you say?

Writer: *enormous evil grin* I'm in! *does a valley girl impression* Like, fer sure!

Miss N: Wonderful! Let the fun begin!

Writer: The only question is: which bishies do we use?

Miss N: Not Xelloss, before you ask. He'd enjoy it too much. We need someone for whom the humiliation factor will be excruciatingly high!

Writer: Oh. Right. *grins like a loony* Let's go find Zel-chan.

Miss N: My thoughts exactly.

*They adjourn to the living room, to find Nuriko sitting on the couch watching TV with Hotohori.*

Nuriko: He's hiding in the kitchen. *points*

Writer: Thanks! You're looking very feminine today, Nuriko!

Nuriko: *modest blush* Oh, thank you! You're such a sweetie, Writer!

Hotohori: Would you PLEASE change the channel now? I'm sure there's something else on besides the MTV "Wet Beefcake Contest".

Miss N: *tries very hard not to wet herself laughing*

Writer: *does the same*

Miss N: Must be a special presentation on MuchMusic, we don't have MTV up here.

*They head into the kitchen, tiptoeing exaggeratedly while the "Mission Impossible" theme plays.*

Writer: *over a walkie-talkie* Penmaster to Miko, roger! I'm moving into position! Cover me! Over!

Miss N: Umm... I'm standing right next to you.

Writer: Oh, yeah. *looks disappointed* Well, I'm going in anyway! Send reinforcements if I'm not back in half an hour! *plunges into the kitchen*

Miss N: Oy... What a weirdo...

 Writer: *hits the ground and rolls*

Miss N: GAH! Look out for the newspaper!

Writer: Wha--? *narrowly avoids a suspicious square of newspaper, only to be attacked by something small and fuzzy* GAHHH!

Miss N: I probably should have warned you. We got a puppy. Fenrir! Off!

Writer: *gets up* Hmm. Perhaps the kitchen is no longer ideal for a stakeout?

Yu: *brandishing a spatula* No, it is not. Out, the both of you! I have enough trouble moving around in here without you two cluttering up the place!

Miss N: Awright, awright, sheesh...

Writer: What a bitch...

*they slink out of the kitchen and back into the living room*

Nuriko: Back so soon?

Miss N: Yeah, we-- hey, that guy on the tube looks familiar...

Wet Beefcake Contestant #9: ORE O MITEKURE!!

Miss N: .... Don't let Marron see this, he may have an aneurysm.

Writer: Marron! Of course!

Miss N: *gets a crazed gleam in her eyes* BWAHAHAHA! Hey MAAAAAAAARON!

Marron: *enters the room* Yes? Is something wrong?

Writer: *advancing with an evil grin* Noooope, not a thing...

Marron; *gets a really, really bad feeling about this*


*the two crazed females jump the hapless bishy and hog-tie him*

Miss N: We'll find a nice dress for him later. For now, stow him in my room. We have to catch the elusive Zelgadis!

Writer: *tossing Marron on Miss N's unmade bed* I think I'll just open the bathroom door. *walks over and slides it open*

Touga: Ex-CUSE you!

Saionji: Do you MIND?!

Writer: AAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHH!!! My eyes! *slams the door shut* I will never feel clean again...

Miss N: Are they still in there? Wow. That's the third hour straight...

Writer: Thanks for warning me!!!

Miss N: Oops.

Marron: What are you planning to do with me?

Writer: *jumps on the bed and snuggles him* Oh, no need to worry about THAT, Marron-chan! I have SPECIAL plans for you...

Marron: *gulp!*

Miss N: You can molest him later, Writer! We have a chimera to capture!

Writer: You're right! My sexual appetites will have to wait! But don't fret, Marron, I'll be back for you soon... BWA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!

Marron: Nightfall, why do you hate me?!

Miss N: *pats him on the head-- not THAT one, you perverts!*

Writer: Back to the subject! Our quest awaits! *bounds out of the room, this time to the accompaniment of the Indiana Jones score*

Miss N: Hey! Wait for me, dammit! This is MY idea!

Writer: No need to thank me for my help, Nightfall-chan!!!

Xelloss: *phasing into the room* She's almost as big an egotist as YOU are.

Miss N: WHAT?!?!

Writer: I sense a presence... one I have not felt since...

Xelloss: The last orgy?

Writer: XELLOS-SAMA!!!! *glomp!*

Xelloss: Hello! Ooh, is that a push-up bra you're wearing?

Writer: WHAT?!?! I do NOT wear a Wonderbra! This is natural!!! I-- HEY!!!

Xelloss: *lifts up her shirt to take a peek* Yep, thought so. I like the color, though.

Miss N: XELLOS!!! Ever hear the term "womanly secrets"?!

Xelloss: Certainly! I have a few of them myself! *phases into a midriff and short-shorts, complete with girlish figure*

Writer: It's so weird when he does that...

Miss N: Um, Writer? You can pull your shirt down now...

Writer: Huh? OH! Heh heh. Yeah. *pulls her shirt down*

Miss N: *eyes her own chest quizzically* I kinda want SMALLER ones...

Xelloss: MINE are perfect! *shows off his perky ones*

Miss N: *sighs* I forget. Did we have a plot going?

Marron: If not, would you please let me go...?

Writer: Oh, YEAH! Find Zel! I must've gotten distracted.

Xelloss: *eyes the tied-up Marron* I'll stay here and guard Marron for you! *evil grin*

Miss N: Okay! Let's go, Writer!

Writer: Let the saga begin!


 Xelloss: ^_^

Miss N: Okay. Nuriko said Zel was in the kitchen, but the only thing we found there was the dog. He's not in the main bathroom, so that leaves my mother's room, her closet, or her bathroom.

Writer: *runs to the other side of the apartment, which doesn't take long at all, and flings the door open* ZEEEELLLLL!

Miss N: Is he there?

Writer: Noooo, but Garv and Val are on your mom's bed.

Miss N: GACK!

Garv: *annoyed* What? We're not doin' anything.

Val: *changes the channel on the little TV* We're just watchin' a fuckin' show cos Nuriko is hogging the main TV. And yer Mom's bed is big enough for Garv-sama.

Miss N: Okaaaay, but NO funny business! If she's not getting any in there, then YOU'RE definitely not allowed to!

Garv: Fine, fine...

Writer: By the way, have either of you seen Zel?

Val: He's in the bathroom.

Miss N: *goes into the walk-in closet and opens the bathroom door to find Zel brushing his teeth over the sink*

Zel: .... Can I help you?

Writer: *evil grin* You BET you can!

Miss N: *similar grin*

Zel: I have a very bad feeling all of a sudden...


*The ensuing scuffle ends with Miss N and the Writer carrying a hog-tied Zel out of the room on their shoulders, joyously whooping war-cries*

Miss N: *tossing open her bedroom door to help cart Zel inside* WE GOT HIM! *halts suddenly*

Xelloss: Oh goodie!

Writer: *jaw unhinges*

Miss N: XELLOSS! Get Marron out of that leather immediately!

Marron: *tries to hide under the covers but finds that it's hard to do when one is handcuffed to the bed*

Writer: *drops Zel* I can't believe we were missing THIS!

Miss N: *covers her eyes* I'm flashing back to that picture Neko drew... ooogh. And put some PANTS on, Xel!

Writer: *as Xel and Marron change quickly* Well! We've got two down! Who else would make a prime candidate for working at Teasers?

*the bathroom door opens and Touga and Saionji enter the room*

Miss N: Heeeheeheee... Hey Sai-kun... have you ever considered waiting tables?

Saionji: Waiting TABLES? What are you talking about?

Writer: *smirk* Oh, you'll see...

Xelloss: I bet he'd be adorable in a skirt!

Miss N: Shh! Don't scare him off!

Writer: Too late. There he goes.

Saionji: *peels out the door like the proverbial bat outta Hell, only faster.*

Miss N: After him!

Xelloss: We can TRY...

Writer: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Miss N: Uhh... Are you feeling okay?

Writer: Sure. Why do you ask?

Xelloss: Never mind...

*They race out of the room, to the accompaniment of the James Bond theme this time.*

Writer: *on her walkie-talkie again* Penmaster to Fruitcake, come in, Fruitcake!

Xelloss: Fruitcake here, over!

Writer: I'm gonna take the kitchen, you get the living room, over.

Xelloss: Copy, Penmaster. Fruitcake to Miko, do you read?


Xelloss: Hmm. She has a point.

Writer: Damn! I was really getting into it, too!

Miss N: I always summon weirdoes...

Writer: But didja notice what great timing you have? You never summon people when they're on the crapper, or taking showers--

Xelloss: You call that GOOD timing?

Miss N: Up ahead! It's Saionji!

Saionji: DAMN!!!

Writer: MWA HA HA HAAA! Let's get him!

*They all pounce on the unfortunate Sai-kun, forming a dogpile.*

Saionji: HEY! Who's got their hand in my pants?!


Writer: It's not ME! I've got my hand in Xel's pants!

Xelloss: It's not me, either. ^_^

Miss N: ACK! Xelloss, get out of my shirt!

Saionji: Well, who is it then?!

Miss N: *blinkies* Well, it's not ME, I'm grabbing something... rounder? ACK! Writer! SORRY!

Xelloss: People are right to wonder about you.

Miss N: But if I'm grabbing the writer, and Xel is grabbing me -quit it, by the way- and the Writer is grabbing Xel... who's grabbing Mr. Bitch-slapper?!

*suddenly a little redhead pops out from under the writhing mass and grins wickedly*

Lina X: I am. Now get off my bishy!!

*the dogpile disentangles itself and stands*

Miss N: Imotouchan, we want Saionji to get a job.

Lina X: *stroking Sai-kun's hair lovingly* Where?

Miss N: Teaser's Bar and Grill.

Lina X: Teasers?! *drops Saionji* Okay. Have fun waiting tables! *vanishes*

Writer: Uhh... okay.

Miss N: Uhh, yes.

Saionji: *tries to run but rams into Touga, who has emerged from the bathroom to see what all the fuss is about*

Miss N: Grab HIM too!

Xelloss: *smirk* Grab him? Okay... *does so*

Touga: Ooh...


Xelloss: Oh. Well, you've got to be more specific, then.

Writer: Damn... Shoulda brought my camera...

Miss N: o_O;

Writer: Saionji! No trying to sneak off! *grabs him*

Saionji: GACK--!

Miss N: WRITER!!!

Writer: Heh. Sorry. Youthful hormones got the best of me. I'm okay now.

Saionji: Then would you please let me GO...?

Writer: Huh? Oh, yeah! Hee hee!

Xelloss: I like her!

Miss N: Now YOU can let go of Touga, Xel!

Xelloss: Darn. I never get to have any fun!

Writer: My poor Xelloss-sama!!! *GLOMP!*

Xelloss : ^_^


Writer: Sorry. Xelloss is distracting. *gets off of him reluctantly*

Miss N: Yeah, and so is Marron... and Saionji...

Writer: *eyes Touga hungrily*

Touga: *suave smile* Have you seen the bathroom yet, Writer?


Xelloss: Seems sort of unnecessary, with all these guys around...

Miss N: I am surrounded by perverts...

Writer: *shakes her head* I'm focused, I'm focused! Sorry, Nightfall-chan. Back to the plot!

*They grab Saionji and Touga and hog-tie them, then drag them back to the bedroom to meet their destiny.*

Writer: Come to the Drag Side!

Zel: Noooo! I'll never join you!

Marron: *starts to cry*

Miss N: *sees Marron's gooey eyes and has a moment of weakness* Oh, don't cry Marron-chan! *huggles him* It won't be so bad... Xelloss! Get... the MAKEUP!


Saionji: *blanches* Makeup?

Miss N: To make you look even prettier of course!

Writer: I call Zel! I call Zel!

Miss N: I wanna do Marron!

Xelloss: Well, we knew THAT.

Miss N: *turns fun colours* I didn't mean like THAT... well, yes, I did, but... *smacks Xelloss* I MEANT I want to do his makeup! Look at his complexion, so deliciously pale... and all this black hair... *hugs the hapless bishounen* Oh Marron! Morticia Adams is gonna be jealous of you!

Writer: *huggles Zel* You're going to look so prettyyyy Zellyyyyy...

Xelloss: *walks into the bathroom and returns with Miss N's makeup arsenal* Here we go!

Writer: *pawing through the bag* Got enough eyeliner and black eyeshadow Miss N?!

Miss N: Hey, you think this look is natural?! *grins evilly* Oooh Saionji, how about we give you the trailer-trash look, hmmm?

Xelloss: *starts putting on his own makeup quite expertly*

Miss N: *stands up* Ohmigods! We forgot a bishy! *runs to the living room and returns with Hotohori in tow, Nuriko trailing after*

Nuriko: What are you going to do to Hotohori-sama?

Writer: Dress him in drag and get him a job at Teaser's Bar and Grill.

Nuriko: ... Can I do his makeup?

Miss N: Go for it.

Zel: *prays for help*

Writer: I think maybe purple eyeshadow, it would match your hair Zel-kun...

*Sometime later...*

Writer: OOOH! Zel, you're GORGEOUS!

Zel: I am in Hell...

Miss N: Don't be silly, Zel! I always knew you'd look great in a miniskirt!

Xelloss: And the halter top really shows off your figure! You really do have a very nice--

Writer: *whaps him*

Xelloss: What was THAT for? I was giving him a compliment!

Writer: NORMAL people don't give "compliments" with their hands...

Hotohori: This is ridiculous! I will not--

Nuriko: Oh, Hotohori-sama, you're so BEAUTIFUL!

Hotohori: Well, yes, I suppose I am...

Writer: Good job on Sai-kun, Nightfall! Though I think you overdid the "hooker" look a bit...

Miss N: *thoughtfully* You think so?

Writer: It could be the fishnets.

Miss N: Those are my best pair of fishnets! Sai-kun's damn lucky I'm letting him wear them!

Writer: Yeah, but the strappy leather ensemble is a little... um... yeeeeeahhhh....

Saionji: Can't... breathe... too... tight...

Zel: These heels are KILLING me!

Xelloss: *trying to look over his own shoulder* Are my seams straight?

Hotohori: I'm not sure if this lipstick goes with my dress...

Touga: Is my hair alright...?

Saionji: I think this outfit makes me look fat...

Writer: Sheesh! Bishonen sure are conceited!

Xelloss: We have the right, since we're so darned sexy... *gets up and starts dancing* I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuurts...

Miss N: Oy...

Writer: *rolls her eyes*

Touga: *looks at Saionji and smiles* You look so pretty.

Saionji: Shove it up your a--

Miss N: *claps her hands, interuppting him* Okay! Now let's get down to Teasers!

Zel: How? You don't have a driver's license.

Miss N: Does that matter?

Zel: And even if you did, we have no car.

Miss N: Hmm... I know! Writer! Write us up some transportation!

Writer: Sure thing! *whips out a quill and a scroll* 'Suddenly their salvation did appear in the form of a, uh--- a herd of camels! *said camels appear, glaring and chewing and spitting*


Writer: Hey, I was under pressure here!

Xelloss: Camels have humps... heehee

Miss N: *holds her nose* Any port in a storm and all that... climb aboard bishies! Try not to muss your hair.

*And so the odd little group of men in drag and two pyschotic female fic authors clambered onto the camels and started the trek to the infamous 'Teaser's Bar and Grill', which is more than likely a Hooter's rip-off but actually does exist and actually DOES have an ad in the paper*

Miss N: There it is! *points at the neon sign*

Hotohori: I think this place is a little low-class for me...

Miss N: Nonsense! It caters to the FINEST of lowlives, I'm sure! *hops off her camel, which tries to bite her*

Xelloss: *lets his camel chew his leg*

Writer: *helps the bishies down and then tosses open the front doors* Let's go, er, 'ladies!'

*The interior is dim and smoky despite the laws now in effect prohibiting smoking in any public place. After a few seconds of confusion and questions like 'Is my hair okay?' and 'Did I smudge my lipstick?' the bishies and the women find their way to the manager's office*

Miss N: *knocks on the door* We're here about the ad in the paper!

Writer: Yeah! We wanna work at this fine establishment!

*the door opens and a fat hairy guy emerges*

Touga: *wrinkles his nose* Euch...

Manager: Ya wanna work here, eh? What makes ya think ya got the 'credentials?' *peers at the Writer*

Writer: "Credentials"? Who needs credentials? I'm too gorgeous for petty stuff like that! *strikes a "sexy" pose*

Manager: Are you trying to be funny? No guys get to waitress here! Your friends are kinda cute, though...

Writer: GUY? ME?!?! Why I oughtta--

Xelloss: *holds her back to keep her from driving a pen or two into the fat guy's cranium*


Miss N: Shh! Calm down! He probably just has bad eyesight, or something.

Hotohori: His eyes were good enough to see how beautiful I am...

Marron: *to a bar patron* Keep your hands off me!

Patron: Nice ass, baby! WOO WOO!

Xelloss: But MINE is nicer! *shakes his money-maker to prove it*

Writer: Umm...

Miss N: *to manager-guy* About those jobs...?

Manager: *to Zel* Whoa! What the hell happened to YOU?

Zel: *reaches for a sword that isn't there* Kisama--!

Manager: Still, you got nice boobs. I guess ya can work here, since we're kinda short-staffed...

Writer: *dodging a swat* Gee, I wonder why...

Miss N: YES! That was easier than I thought!

Manager: *to Writer* You can wash dishes or something...


Xelloss: *holds her back once more*


Xelloss: Oops! Sorry! ^_^


Xelloss: Hee hee! ^_^

Miss N: Not in public, Xel!

Zel: I didn't do anything!

Miss N: The OTHER Xel!

Zel: Oh.

Writer: Xelloss?

Xelloss: Yeeees?

Writer: HANDS OFF!!!!!!! *kicks him across the room*

Touga: Well, this is odd. The Writer NOT wanting Xelloss all over her?

Writer: HEY! I'm a good girl! Mostly...

Miss N: *starts handing out little aprons* Let's get to work, "girls"!

Marron: I want to die... *slaps another hand away* NO TOUCHING!

Patron: That was HER! *points at the Writer*

Writer: Whoops! My hand slipped. Heh heh.

Miss N: Riiiight... 

*A little while later...*

Patron: Can I get some chicken wings over here?!

Saionji: *now in a cute LITTLE waitress uniform* Can I help you, sir? *scowls*

Patron: Yeah, toots. Gimme some wings.

Saionji: *twitch* "Toots?"

Patron: *eyeing Sai-kun's, uh, assests* Unless you'd reccomend the breasts? *lecherous grin*

Saionji: Oh, that's it! *raises his hand to slap the patron*

Touga: *grabs the hand before it can descend* Now, now. We can't go around slapping the customers.

Saionji: WHY NOT?!

Touga: We won't get any tips! *sashays over to another table*

Hotohori: *pauses to smooth his skirt* You know, Miss, er, Nightfall, while I do look stunning in this outfit I really don't enjoy all this menial labour. I AM an emperor you know.

Miss N: *perched on a bar stool and sipping iced tea cos she's not old enough to drink legally yet* It'll do ya good. Nice legs, by the way.

Hotohori: *melting smile* Thank you.

Miss N: *happy burbling noise*

Xelloss: *happily zipping from table to table with orders, giggling cutely when the patrons make lewd comments*

Miss N: he enjoys this waaaay too much... *hms* I wonder how the Writer is doing? *wanders to the greasy little kitchen and pops her head in* Hey, Writer! How's the dishes?

Writer: *language has been censored due to its amazingly graphic content*

Miss N: ... That good, I see.

Writer: I don't get it! Why would a bunch of guys prefer a group of men in DRAG over ME?!

Miss N: *arches an eyebrow* Do you REALLY want a room full of hairy, sweaty, mostly drunken men calling you 'Baby' and 'Sweet Thang?'

Writer: .... Well, no, I guess not.

Miss N: Now shush about the drag thing! *grins* The boys are getting HUGE tips! That means money for me!

Writer: For you? But you're not working!

Miss N: Silly! They're in a HAREM. They don't have anything to spend money on! And as their guardian--

Writer: Slave-driving master.

Miss N: ... whatever. The point is: I get a percentage of their tips!

Writer: So... You're a waitress pimp?

Miss N: Yes! So as long as nobody finds out that the hot waitresses are really guys, I can make a bundle! Oh, I'll give some of the cash to you cos you helped me of course. ^_^

Writer: Damn straight. I got us those camels!

*Suddenly... there is a clatter of breaking dishes on the floor, followed by an angry shout.*

Writer: *yelling from the kitchen* DAMMIT! I just washed those!

Miss N: Better go see what the ruckus is about.

*They head out into the bar to see what's up. Soon it's obvious-- Zel is standing in the middle of the room, topless. And boobless, to the astonishment of the patrons. One guy stares in shock at the halter top dangling in his hands, complete with a fabulous pair of (unattached) knockers.*


Xelloss: Sure she is! She's just, uh, really flat-chested! Like HER! *points at the Writer*

Writer: That's it, I've had it up to HERE with the flat jokes! Save 'em for Lina! I am NOT that flat! *pulls up her shirt* SEE?!

Miss N: HEY! *shields her eyes* Quit it! Not in public, Writer!

Xelloss: But MINE are nicer! *also pulls up his shirt*

Miss N: Yikes!

Writer: HA! Bet yours aren't even REAL, you transvestite!

Xelloss: At least I don't wear a Wonderbra!

Writer: *turns bright red* Oh, you are SO dead. *does a nifty Lina Inverse magic pose* Eat death, Trickster Boy!!!

Miss N: Oh no... not magic...

Writer: HA HA HAA! I've been working on this little spell! MARLON BRANDO!!!

*Then, for no apparent reason, the actor falls through the roof in all his, er, immense glory, and lands squarely on Xelloss.*

Brando: Whu--?


Zel: I knew it. She IS nuts.

Touga: Remind me never to make a crack about the Writer's chest, though.

Xelloss: Owie... @_@

Writer: AHA HA HA HAAA!!! NO ONE insults the Writer and gets away with it!

Brando: *grabs some hot wings off a table and starts munching.*


Miss N: Uh-oh! Look what you did, Writer!

Writer: It's not my fault!

Marron: Maybe we should get out of here...?

Writer: Quickly! To the camels!

Zel: Does anyone remember where we parked the camels?

Touga: HEY! Don't forget the tips!

Saionji: *to a patron* Damn you, I'm a GUY! Don't touch me!

Hotohori: I'm a man, too. Hands off!

Patron: But you're both soooo pretty....

Writer: Let's GO, guys!

Miss N: What about Xel?!

Writer: Do YOU wanna try moving Brando?

Brando: *starts eating another basket of wings, a pizza, and a burger-- all at once.*

Miss N: Ugh, no. Sorry, Xelloss! You're on your own!

Writer: *blows a kiss* Bye! ^_~


Touga: *smirk* Let's not get into the double meaning of THAT.

Miss N: *once they're outside* Chotto matte! Head count! Sai-kun... check. Touga... check. Hottie-hori... check. Zel... check. Xelloss... absent. *snicker* Marron...? Marron?

Writer: We LOST a bishy? How the hell did we manage that? It's not like they get underfoot.

Miss N: Well, where the hell did he go?

Touga: *taking off his falsies and tossing them absently to Saionji* Maybe he's still inside?

Writer: I am NOT going back in there!!

Miss N: Me neither. Those patrons looked a little upset when they found out that you boys are boys. Imagine how crazed they might get upon seeing a real female!

Touga: *purring* Ah, yes, and what a woman you are...

Miss N: *blush* Uhh-heh-heh... *whaps him* Not now, bish-boy! We gotta find Marron! If I let him wander around all lost and innocent, well, you can imagine what could happen to him.

Saionji: *trying to figure out what to do with Touga's falsies* I'd rather not, actually.

Writer: Well, who can we send back in there to look for him who won't get beaten up of molested?

Hotohori: I'm afraid my beauty will ensure I get molested. Sorry.

Touga: I'm not going in there. I could very well be molested too.

Miss N: Oh, like you'd mind!

Writer: He just doesn't want somebody to punch him in the face.

Zel: No. Way. Let Marron find his own way home.

Miss N: Like a little lost puppy? *sniffle* NO!

Saionji: *sighs irritably* FINE. *whips off his own halter and falsies and marches inside, still holding Touga's discarded ones in his left hand*

Miss N: ... Why is he still hanging onto those?

Touga: He's got problems.

Writer: And you don't?!

*Minutes later Saionji emerges, cradling a very traumatised Marron in his arms*

Saionji: I found him in the men's room, hiding in one of the stalls while about ten guys lined up outside and demanded sexual favours.

Miss N: My poor Marron-chan!! *grabs him and huggles him*

Marron: I hate my life...

Writer: Uh, Sai-kun?

Saionji: What?

Writer: What happened to the boobs?

Saionji: *now empty-handed* Oh, those. I threw them at people so I could get Marron out of the bathroom.

Miss N: *imagines bar patrons being smacked in the face with false breasts and giggles* Okay, let's get out of here before we have a bunch of pissed-off bar dorks after us. To the camels!

Writer: *strikes a dramatic Amelia-esque pose* RIGHT! To the camels, my friends! Whilst we make our climactic getaway--

Touga: "Climactic"? *wicked smile*

Miss N: Hentai.

Writer: WILL YOU SHUT UP?! I'VE GOT A GOOD SCENE GOING HERE!!! *ahem!* Anyway, as we make our, uh, DRAMATIC getaway, we will--

Zel: Sorry to interrupt, but there go the camels.


Camel: *spits in her general direction*

Writer: Damn ungrateful animals...

Hotohori: Oh, dear. It seems we've been spotted.

*Angry barflys come pouring out the door, waving knives, chair legs, broken bottles, chicken bones, etc.*


*With a growing chant of "Maim, kill, rape! Maim, kill, rape!" the mob charges.*

Miss N: GYAH! Somebody do something!

*The bishounen share a long, meaningful look.*

Touga: I knew it would come to this...

Zel: Only one thing to do.

Saionji: RUN!!!

*The bish head for the hills, leaving little Roadrunner-like smoke trails behid.*

Miss N: HEY!!!

Writer: YOU GUYS are supposed to save US!!! Oh, well. I'll get us out of this! *pulls out her scroll again* I summon: Speed Racer!!!

*The Mach 5 pulls up with a screech*

Speed: Hop in, girls!

Miss N: *jumps in* Good one, Writer!

Writer: MOVE OVER! Where am I supposed to sit?!

Speed: Quick, in the trunk!

Writer: With the MONKEY? NO WAY!!!


Miss N: Hurry!

Writer: grumble grumble grumble I hate you all grumble grumble... *climbs into the trunk, and the Mach 5 races away, Just In Time.*

*later, back at the ranch... er, Miss N's apartment*

Miss N: *storms in* Oh well, aren't YOU guys the shining example of chivalry?!

Touga: *pouts* I TRIED to make them go back, really!

Saionji: *sniffs* After what you two put us through did you really think we'd HELP you?

Zel: You've wounded our manly pride.

Miss N: Like I give a rat's ass about your 'manly pride'!! *grabs Zel and starts choking him* GENTLEMAN ARE SUPPOSED *throttle* TO *shake* HELP *squeeze* LADIES *strangle* IN DISTRESS!!!

Zel: *gack* Thought you-- *wheeze* Needed.. no... man...?

Miss N: *stops, then drops him* Yes, well, lucky for you Writer-san and I are modern women and so can take care of ourselves, thank you very much.

Writer: Yeah! Male chauvinist pigs...

Saionji: Oh please. You had Speed Racer save your wussy little asses.

Miss N: You watch it or I'll break your bokken, buddy.

Touga: *soothingly* Now, now ladies, although you can no doubt handle yourselves it's true that sometimes young, beautiful women such as yourselves need some.. protection.

Miss N: *coldly* If I need a prince, Mr. Smooth, I'll call Utena.

Saionji: Ouch.

Writer: Speaking of protection, I really hope you use it Touga. I mean, with all the people you sleep with... Aren't you worried about STDs?

Miss N: I figure he's either not practicing safe sex or he's got an arsenal that would put most sex shops to shame.

Marron: *blushing due to all this sex talk* Uhmm... Miss Nightfall? Writer-san?

Miss N and Writer: Yeeeesssss?

Marron: Did you two leave Xelloss back at the bar?

Miss N and Writer: *look at eachother* Uhhh...

Writer: Weeeelll, we didn't exactly LEAVE him, per se...

Miss N: He was buried beneath a mountain of Brando. WE couldn't have gotten him out!

Writer: Hell, I don't think the Jaws of Life coulda gotten him out...

Zel: Good riddance. Maybe Marlon Brando will fart or something, and the fumes will kill that fruitcake. *Thinks for a minute* Maybe you could teach me that spell sometime, Writer...?

Writer: Sure, Zel! *pats him on the head, and YES, it's THAT one* If you make it worth my while...

Zel: Eep! *blush*

Touga: Hey, no fair! Aren't you still mad at him?

Writer: *snuggles Stone Boy* Who could stay mad at this...?

Zel: Help!

Miss N: Writer! Can't you control your hormones?

Writer: *surprised blink* No. I thought that was pretty well established.

Touga: Well then, share the love!

Hotohori: Uh-oh...

Marron: *Tries to sneak out of the room.*

Miss N: Oh, no you don't! *grabs him*

Marron: *Giku!* Hands in the wrong places!

Writer: *giggle!*


*Suddenly a voice rings out, angry and startlingly close.*

Xelloss: HOLD IT!

Writer: "Hold it"? Hee hee hee--

Zel: Please let go...!

Xelloss: I don't think it's very funny!

Miss N: Uh-oh... He sounds really pissed!

Writer: *Hides behind Miss N* It's not my fault!

Xelloss: You just LEFT me, squashed like a piece of baloney, underneath the behemoth Buttocks of Brando! SQUISH! Just like that! And while I DID manage to get his autograph after I pulled my mangled and broken body out of his CRACK, that in no way makes up for the experience!!!

Hotohori: Oh, how awful!

Marron: Writer, how COULD you?!

Touga: That's inhuman!

Writer: WHAT?! Why are you blaming all this on ME?!? Nightfall left him behind, too!

Miss N: *Whistles innocently as she polishes her halo.*

Writer: I am NOT the bad guy here!

Touga: *smirk* No, you're the bad girl.

Xelloss: And you know what we have to do to bad girls... *wicked grin*

Writer: EEK! *dives behind Miss N again* This is getting downright hentai!

Saionji: Oh, like it wasn't BEFORE...

Miss N: Lay off, boys. No punishing the Writer.

Xelloss: *pouts* Not even a little?

Miss N: No.

Touga: Just a teeny bit? She's been so bad! She'll never learn if we don't teach her!

*Eager nods from the other bish.*

Miss N: No!

Xelloss: *Puts on his most adorable, pleading face* PLEEEASE? Just a LITTLE spanking? PRETTY please???

Miss N: *considers it* Weeellll...

Writer: HEY! You can't AGREE with them! My pride is at stake here! Not to mention my innocence!

Zel: You don't HAVE any innocence.

Writer: I don't? Hm. Maybe I should get some, then. In case of emergencies like this, y'know.

Miss N: Forget it, guys. No spanking the Writer.

Xelloss: How 'bout whipping?

Miss N & Writer: NO!!!

Touga: Are handcuffs okay?

Miss N: NO!

Writer: Hmm... I mean, NO!

Xelloss: Damn! Almost had her there.

Writer: NO handcuffs, NO whips, NO spanking, and ABSOLUTELY NO whipped cream!!!

*Long pause.*

Xelloss: Are you trying to use reverse psychology?

Writer: Um... No?

Touga: I'll take that as a yes.

Xelloss: Me too!

Miss N: ... *sighs* Why do I even bother? Okay, fine. We'll do it like this. Touga, fetch the whipped cream! Marron, borrow Tira's whip and bondage outfit--

Marron: WHAT?!!! I hardly have the figure for that thing!

Miss N: *stares at him* I meant for ME, you weirdo.

Marron: Oh. *blush*

Miss N: Sheesh, Neko was right about you... Where was I? Oh yes. Xelloss, bring handcuffs! Saionji, you're good at slapping things, you can spank. Unless you DIDN'T want paddles, Writer-san?

Writer: Hmm...

Yu: *appears for no earthly reason with paddles in hand* Here. *leaves*

Miss N: Writer, get comfy.

Writer: *grins* I get to live out my hentai fantasies!!

*Suddenly the phone rings*

Miss N: Hold on. *picks up the phone* Hello, Kathy's Den of Sex! Kathy speaking! ... Uh-huh, uh-huh... Okay. Okay, bye. *hangs up*

Writer: Who was that?

Miss N: Your mother.


Saionji: Your MOTHER?!

Touga: One wonders how she knew how to find you...

Zel: Probably just listened for police reports.

Writer: What did SHE want?

Miss N: She mentioned something about clean underwear...

Writer: *relieved* Oh, is that all? No problem. I brought an extra pair with me. *Pulls out a pair of silky purple unmentionables*

Xelloss: *grabs the panties* Ooh, pretty! *cuddles them.*

Writer: *sweatdrop*

Miss N: O_o

Marron: *is attempting to sneak away unnoticed*

Writer: No you don't! *pulls him back* I'm not done playing with you yet!

Xelloss: *snicker*

Miss N: You are incorrigible, Writer.

Writer: *smugly* I know.

Zel: Not to mention disturbed...

Writer: *isn't listening to him* Now, how 'bout that fantasy? You people owe me! First I had to wash dishes, then I had to ride in Speed Racer's trunk with that chimp and the little kid! The little perverts have grabby hands, I hope you know!

Touga: *shudder*

Zel: That is sick...

Xelloss: Poor Writer!

Miss N: Wow. That IS pretty harsh. I guess you DO deserve a little compensation...

Writer: Damn straight! My poor libido hasn't had any exercise ALL DAY!

Touga: I'll get the whipped cream! *rushes out*

Tira: *walks in and hands Miss N some skimpy black leather and a whip* I think you're going to need this. *leaves*

Writer: ^_^

Miss N:.......

Xelloss: Oh, look! Found my handcuffs! *pulls them out and jingles them suggestfully*

Writer: ALL RIGHT! Hentai-fest! Let's make lemon-aid, people!

Touga: *runs back in* I found a can of Reddi-whip-- *pauses* Well, well. Who would've thought you'd make such a good dominatrix, Nightfall?

Saionji: I could've guessed.

Zel: Me too.

Marron: I'm not surprised.

Xelloss: I always knew.

Miss N: Shut up!

Writer: *eyes Xelloss* Shall we?

Xelloss: You're such a pervert! No wonder I like you so much!

Zel: *tries to make a run for it*

Miss N: OHO HO HO HO! You won't get away from us! *cracks the whip*

Writer: BWA HA HA HA HAA!!!


Writer: YIPE!

Miss N: *grins evilly, reeeeeally enjoying this whole leather corset thing* Damn this is fun... Writer!

Writer: Yes?

Miss N: Choose your bishy and get down to business!

Writer: *evil smirk*

Zel: *begins to pray*

Touga: *purrs* Oh Writer, let me help you exersise that poor libido of yours...

*Elapsed Time*

Writer: Out of whipped cream? DAMN!

Touga: We still have cherries....

Writer: Good enough.

Miss N: *cracks the whip again* OHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Zel: Dammit fruitcake, let me out of these cuffs! What the hell are you doing down th-- ohhh....

*More elapsed time*

*random shouts and cries*

Marron: I'm supposed to bend HOW?!

*Even MORE elapsed time...*

Miss N: Can't... move... limbs...

Writer: I may never walk again.

Xelloss: ^_^

Zel: I feel so dirty...

Touga: But in a good way, right?

Miss N: *turns to the Writer* Why do these things always end in orgies?

Writer: Because we're all hentais?

Miss N: *thinks* That could be it, yeah...

Writer: I have to say, I just LOVE visiting you, Nightfall-chan. You should invite me more often!

Touga: Here, here!

Xelloss: You should just stay!

Zel: *faints from the horror*

Marron: Don't say that! *shudder*

Miss N: Sorry, but if you stayed, we'd just end up in an endless orgy-- a hentai-fest of astronomical proportions! Nothing but sex, sex, sex, all day and all night...

Writer: *starts to drool*

Marron: You're NOT discouraging her any, Nightfall!

Xelloss: Sounds good to me!

Touga: I vote that the Writer stays, too!

Writer: *blush* Oh, you're all so sweet! Tee hee!

Miss N: Um, well, we'd probably get so involved we'd forget to eat...

Xelloss: Don't need food.

Touga: Yu does the cooking, anyhow. He'd make sure to toss in some food from time to time. Or we could just do it in the kitchen...

Writer: *eyes get big and starry* I've had dreams like this...

Miss N: Oy...

*Suddenly there is a shriek from the kitchen.*

Miss N: What was that?

Writer: We'd better go see...

*After struggling into their clothes (and pausing while the Writer gets a quickie from Xelloss), they rush toward the kitchen.*

Yu: *runnng out* Holy hell, it's TERRIBLE!

Miss N: What? What is it?

Yu: It devoured everything in its path, leaving only grisly remains in its horrible wake...!

Saionji: *slaps him* WHAT IS IT?!

*dead silence*

Yu: *shocked* You hit my face. *touches the bruise, then advances an angry step* You hit my FACE!!

Miss N: *grabs him by the shoulder and shakes him* Later, Yu! The kitchen, remember? Your domain! What's in there?

Yu: *points to the kitchen with a trembling finger* See for yourself.

*They go in. The place is a mess of food wrappers, soda cans, bones, discarded bits of random vegetables, cereal boxes... You get the idea. And there, beside the fridge, sits the horror of horrors, the monster itself--*


Xelloss: Whoops! Did I forget to mention that he followed me home? Just like a puppy...

Writer: I hope he didn't EAT the puppy...

Miss N: EEK! FENRIR!!!

Fenrir: *trots up, yipping, completely unharmed except for the bite taken out of one ear.*


Writer: Damn. That's quite an appetite.

Brando: *BURP!*

Miss N: WRITER! This is YOUR fault! Get rid of him, NOW!!!

Writer: OKAY! Sheesh! Um, let's see... Ah! I know! *does a Nahga-esque spellcasting pose* BILLY CRYSTAL!!!!

*For no apparent reason, said comedian drops through the ceiling and lands on Marlon Brando's head, knocking him out.*

Billy: What the HELL--?!

Miss N: O_o;

Xelloss: She's weirder than ME, I think...

Writer: OHO HO HO HO! No one can defeat the great and beautiful Writer-sama! OHO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!!!!

Billy: Shouldn't I be off hosting an awards show somewhere?

Miss N: Yes, Mr. Crystal, you probably should. *glares at him* That means go now.

Billy: *scampers out of the building*

Miss N: *sighs* Writer-san? Can I ask you a question?

Writer: *stops cackling* Yes?

Miss N: How the HELL am I supposed to get Marlon Brando out of my house now? He's too heavy to lift!

Writer: You have a harem full of men! Get THEM to do it.

Yu: *makes a face* You think I'm going to risk a hernia trying to lift that thing? No way.

Touga: Do you really want us to wind up crippled? If we can't move that means no more orgies.

Writer: DAMN! Well, there must be some other way. *thinks* We could roll him out.

Miss N: Yeah okay, great. YOU push him.

Writer: Eww, no. Marron, get pushing.

Marron: *sighs and pushes at Brando. Suddenly his eyes go wide* AH! HELP! *his arms are sunk into Brando's mass up to the elbows* I can't pull my arms out!!

Miss N: Fuck.

Touga: *arches an eyebrow* Is now really the time?

Writer: *pulls at Marron* no good! He's stuck!

Miss N: Okay, okay, stay calm... calmcalmcalm...

Xelloss: What was that?

Miss N: I SAID STAY CALM, DAMMIT!! *stops* Aha! *cups her hands around her mouth* Gateaaaauuuuuuuuuuuu!

Gateau: *wanders in and sees Marron stuck in Brando's flab* Marron! *runs over and yanks on him. Marron's arms come free with a POP*

Miss N: Problem solved.

Gateau: *cradles Marron to his chest* Marron... are you okay?

Marron: I... I think so. Thank you.

Writer: *bats absently at some yellow fuzzy bubbles* What's with the sappy backdrop all of a sudden?

Saionji: And who's playing that damn tinkling music?

*Cut to Miki, hunched over a piano.*

Miki: *guilty look*

*Cut back to the kitchen*

Xelloss: *to the Writer* Miss N's a Gateau/Marron fan.

Writer: Ahh, Of course.

*Suddenly Brando grunts, shattering the warm scene*

Miss N: Quick! We have to think of something before he wakes up!

Writer: I could try another spell...

Miss N: NO! I don't need any more actors falling through my ceiling!

Xelloss: I could do a spell...

Yu: *from the doorway* NO! We'll be picking pieces of him out of the woodwork for months!

All: Eeewwww...

Brando: *snort mumble mumble yawn*

Miss N: HURRY!

Writer: I know! I'll Write him out! *pulls out her scroll* Let's see... HA! TAKE THIS! I summon... the Plot Hole!!!

*For no earthly reason, a gaping black hole yawns to life beneath Marlon Brando, who is promptly sucked in.*

Brando: NOOOO! I've gotta offer you can't refuuuuuuuse.........!

*POP! The Hole closes.*

Miss N: Cool!

Writer: *smugly* Wasn't it, though?

Miss N: Yeah! But... What WAS it?

Writer: The Plot Hole, of course. It usually hangs around my Inn and eats stories when they get too stupid.

Xelloss: The recycling bin from Hell...?

Writer: Something like that. It's not as weird as the Plot Device, though. He's a four-eyed bat-winged pink bunny that talks.

Miss N: O_o;

Touga: Riiiight...

Xelloss: And people call ME a freak...

Writer: Yeah, they do. What of it?

Xelloss: *sigh* Never mind...

Miss N: Anyway, don't you think it's about time you were getting home, Writer-- WRITER! I'M TALKING TO YOU HERE!!!

Writer: *stops making out with Xelloss* Hmm?


Gateau: *flexes for the crowd* What?

Writer: *drool*

Touga: Uh-oh...

Zel: *pokes his head into the kitchen* Where is everyone-- AAHHH!!!

*The Writer tackles him*

Writer: Hee hee! I don't think I've had the pleasure yet...

Zel: WHAT are you talking about? We've already met!

Writer: *sly smile* That's NOT what I meant...

Xelloss: Do you want the handcuffs?

Zel: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Not AGAIN!!! *starts to cry*

Writer: DAMN! It's no fun when they cry! Beg, plead, call me mistress... But not cry!

Miss N: You're traumatizing him!

Writer: Just be glad my sister isn't here. Amelia6 is the most rabid of Zel fans.

Miss N: *shudder* I know. She was at the Bishounen Awards.

Writer: *big frickin' sigh* I guess I SHOULD go home soon...

Touga: DAMN!

Zel: Praise L-Sama!

Miss N: About time...

Writer: But FIRST...! *grabs Xelloss (hee hee) and drags him to the nearest bathroom.*

Miss N: Nani?!

*From the bathrom comes a rhythmic banging sound. THUMP THUMP THUMP! Then some loud moaning follows, and finally silence. The Writer and Xelloss emerge, hair messed and clothes rumpled.*

Miss N: Your shirt's on backwards, Writer.

Writer: OOPS! *blushes*

Saionji: Xel, your fly is open.

Xelloss: I know. ^_^

Touga: Don't I get a turn?

Writer: Hmm...

*One hour later...*

Xelloss: Are they still at it?

Miss N: She kicked Touga out a while ago and dragged Zel in. AFTER Marron, that is...

Saionji: No, I was before Marron. Then she grabbed Gateau. THEN Marron, THEN Zel.

Xelloss: I figure my turn's coming up again soon...

Miss N: If she doesn't pass out from exhaustion...

Writer: *comes out of the bathroom* Okay! I'm ready to go now! *whew!* Man, I'm tired...

Miss N: That's a surprise...

Writer: Even MY stamina has its limits...

Zel: *from the bathroom floor* Help... me.....

Miss N: *sweatdrop* I'm NOT going to ask...

Xelloss: Why are we using so many periods...?

Writer: I don't know...........

Miss N: *hugs the Writer* Well, I never was good at goodbyes... Bye!

Writer: .... That's it?

Miss N: What?

Writer: No fancy send-off banquet? No tearful parting?

Miss N: Uh... no?

Yu: *wanders into the bathroom and promptly utters a screech* MY TOWELS! What did you DO to my TOWELS?!!

Xelloss: I think he means 'on'. What did we do ON his towels. ^_^

Writer: *gives Miss N's hand a quick shake* Been lotsa fun, gotta go! *runs out the door*

Miss N: ...

Writer: *comes back in* I uh... how do I get home?

*Suddenly there is the sound of a revving engine from outside. Everyone goes out on the porch execpt Yurimaru, who is still bewailing the fate of the towels*

Speed Racer: Come on Writer, I'll give you a lift! You can even ride up front this time!

Writer: *hops in the car* Catch you guys later! *zooms off into the timely sunset*

Saionji: ... Does that imply she'll be coming BACK?!!

Miss N: *looks into the sunset, her hair suddnely blowing dramatically* Oh, she'll be back. I feel it in my heart. She will... be back.

Xelloss: *also posing dramatically* Yes. Like herpes.

Miss N: *falls over*

The End (for now)