The Quest for Lemon-Aid
By the Writer

Xellos pouted on the end of Lina's bed. "I'm bored," he said.

Lina glared at him from where she sat by the window. "So? What am I supposed to do about it?"

A wicked smirk crept across his face, but before he could even voice his undoubtedly naughty thoughts, Lina got up and punched him in the jaw. She sat back down again, scowling.

"Ow!" Xellos complained, even though the pain didn't bother him. "How do you know I wasn't going to suggest a game of chess or something?"

"Yeah, right." Lina said dryly. "I can just imagine that."

"I can imagine it, too!" he said smiling. Then he let his head roll back on his neck and began gasping: "Oh, Lina, you move your bishop so well! Oh, yes, move there! One to the left! Oh, yes, yes, CHECKMATE!"

"You're a disgusting pervert!" Lina growled.

Xellos frowned. "I KNOW that," he said, sounding irritated. "People are always telling me that. Do you think I don't know?"

"We wouldn't want you to forget," Lina said sarcastically.

Xellos launched himself off the bed to latch his arms around Lina's waist, snuggling her. He rubbed his face between her breasts and purred, "I knew you loved me just the way I am!"

Lina turned several shades of red before deciding on a standard scarlet. "HENTAI!" she screeched. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" She kicked him hard enough to send him tumbling out the door, which she slammed shut after him for emphasis.

Xellos stood up and dusted himself off. "Well, that didn't work. Let's see, who's next..."

He appeared in Zelgadis' room just as the chimera was getting ready for bed.

"Here, let me help you with that shirt," chirped Xellos as he took hold of the piece of clothing Zel was pulling over his head.

Zel gave a startled shout and pulled his shirt back on. "YOU!" he hissed, voice dripping with hate. "What do you want?"

"I'm bored," the Trickster expained.

Zel took a step back. "Oh, no, you stay the hell away from me, you fruitcake!"

"But, Zel, don't you love me anymore?" he made a hurt face. He ran over and pressed himself up against the chimera, wiggling his hips just a bit for added effect. "What ever happened to US?"

Zel turned varying shades of red and green, until he looked like a Christmas decoration. "Get away from me!" he shouted, giving Xellos a rough shove toward the door.

Xellos sighed. "Okay, another failure. Let's try for door number three..."

Amelia was brushing her hair at her nightstand when Xellos phased in behind her. She caught sight of him in the mirror and jumped up, startled. "Mister Xellos? What do you want?"

"I'm bored," he replied, noting happily that Amelia was clad in only a flimsy little nightie.

Amelia swallowed hard. "Umm, well, how am I supposed to help you?"

Xellos gave her a wink and a smirk. "I'll show you..."

Amelia gasped as Xellos passed one hand lightly over her rear. "What are you--?!" He kissed her, and for a moment lust welled up in her heart. Then he pinched her ass, and sanity returned. She pushed Xellos away and shouted, "Diem Wing!"

Xellos picked himself up off the hallway floor. "Damn. I am just not lucky tonight. Maybe the Writer's mad at me for something?"

Frowning to himself, he ambled down the hall to Gourry's room.

The big swordsman was asleep in bed, snoring contentedly.

Xellos chuckled darkly and leaned over Gourry. "Wake up," he whispered into the other man's ear.

Gourry's hand shot out to grab Xellos by the shirtfront. "What do you want, Xellos?"

The Trickster giggled. "My, my, so suspicious! I'm just...visiting, that's all. Checking to see that you're all safe and sound." As he spoke, he trailed fingertips up the bedsheets to Gourry's chest, caressing the hard muscles.

Gourry's eyes went wide. "Hey--!"

Xellos jumped onto the bed, straddling the Swordsman of Light. He grinned wickedly down at the startled blond. "Don't resist me, Gourry. You and I are going to have lots of fun..."

"That's SICK!" Gourry exclaimed. "Get off of me, you pervert!" With that, he shoved Xellos off of him and onto the floor, then reached for his sword which lay against the wall nearby. "Light come forth!" he shouted, and the glowing blade sprang to life.

Xellos decided that maybe Gourry didn't want to play after all.

He scowled as he shuffled down the hallway once more. "Well, this sucks. What's going on with this story? I mean, it's supposed to be a lemon! What's the point of a lemon where nobody gets laid?" He took a deep breath, and then went to pay Filia a visit on the off chance that the Writer might be writing a sappy romantic-type lemon. He was prepared to declare undying love to just about anyone, if it would get him laid. He was really starting to feel...anxious.

No dice with Filia. The Dragon maiden just beat him into a puddle with her mace, then shoved his twitching carcass out the door.

Pretty soon he was going to run out of people to proposition, he realized. In fact, the only person left was Nahga. Was he really THAT desparate? He thought about it for a moment, then decided that he was. It was worth a shot, at least.

Unfortunately, Nahga just laughed that horrible laugh, and then tried to Freeze Arrow his ass into a popsicle. Xellos beat a hasty retreat, and teleported away.

Understandably peeved (and getting hornier by the minute), Xellos grumbled to himself as he walked the halls of Beastmaster's fortress on Wolf Pack Island. "Damn Writer, what's she doing? I can't figure it out..."

"Maybe she's mad at you," Xelas suggested after Xellos had finished complaining to her. She leaned back on her throne and took a sip of her blood-dark wine. "Have you done anything lately to piss her off?"

"Not that I recall," Xellos murmured, eyeing her bare legs with interest. "Master, I don't suppose you...?"

"No, Xellos," she said flatly.

Xellos sighed. "I didn't think so. This is really not my night." He turned to leave.

"Happy hunting!" Xelas called cheerfully after him.

The Trickster shuffled to his room, wheels turning in his twisted little brain. He paused to address the ceiling. "What are you doing here, Writer? Have you completely lost it? If I don't get some hot, sweaty, perverted sex soon, I think I'm gonna die!"

The ceiling did not respond.

"I mean it!" Xellos continued. "There had better be one hell of an orgy waiting for me at the end of this story, or I will be majorly irked!"


"Are you angry at me?" he asked. "Is this about that thing with your underwear? Look, I said I was sorry! I even bought you new ones!"

Silence still; a bit strained this time.

"I know you can hear me, Writer!" he raged. "Get out here and answer me!"


Xellos muttered a few dirty words that aren't worth repeating and went to his room to pout. He flopped down on his bed of velvet and satin, putting his feet up and lacing his fingers behind his head. "I don't get it. I couldn't even get ZELGADIS into the sack. It's usually so easy, but tonight..." He thought back to the last hour or two. He'd been tossed out of six bedrooms in one night. SIX! Well, seven if you counted Beastmaster's dismissal, but he decided not to, since it wasn't a bedroom. What was wrong with him?

He sighed and closed his eyes. Then, a second later, he bolted upright, eyes wide as a horrifying realization hit him.

"Crickey!" Xellos shouted. "I've lost my mojo!"

From somewhere, faint and distant laughter echoed.