Secret World

by the Hoyden

This fanfic is based off the series Berserk.  It details the exploits of a mercenary group, specifically the leader Griffith, his commander Caska, and the berserker Gatts.  This fanfic takes place at the turning point of the series.  For all who have not seen this wonderful anime....what are you waiting for?  Angst and surreal scary crap galore, not to mention lots of violence.  The song included is Peter Gabriel's Secret World.

I stood in this unsheltered place

Till I could see the face behind the face

In my nightclothes, with a coat wrapped around me and boots too big on my feet, I run out into the snow after you.  The snow swirls gently around me as I run out, heedless, into the bitter cold night.

"Gatts!" I shriek after your receding back.  Under your voluminous cloak, your monstrous sword is still clearly outlined.  And amazingly enough, with my scream you stop and turn your head to look.  Would turning to face me completely be too much for you?

"Are you leaving?"  I demand quietly, my heavy breathing turning to little white clouds in the air.


If you won't face me, I'll face you.  Even though he towers over me, I look up at him, furious.  "Doushite?  Why don't you want to be a member of the Hawks anymore?"

Down by the railway siding

In our secret world we were colliding

After all was said and done, after you'd defeated Griffith-sama, I'm angry and saddened.  All I wanted - all I ever wanted - was a place at Griffith-sama's side.  You, who swept in with the rage of the berserker and took that place from me, how could you give it up so easily?

The thing I had always wanted with all my being, you threw away.  And for what?  For your dream?  Why must I be always be between two men who have eyes only for a shining ideal at the end of the road?  Why can't either of you look right here?

Look at me.

Look at me!

But even as you walked away after the duel, with Griffith-sama sitting heartbroken in the snow, I watched you both.  Griffith-sama, with his ice-blue eyes of the hawk and ivory mane, was shaken.  It's been a long time since something didn't go just as he had planned it.  As you walked away, watching the horizon, Griffith-sama watched you, and I watched you both.

Finally, Griffith-sama stood up.  His eyes wild, he strode right past me.  I turned, his name on my lips, but he did not slow.  And turning back, I couldn't make you out anymore.

In all the places we were hiding love

What was it we were thinking of?

But you're gone now.  And now, free of most of my illusions, I know that I will never be at my beloved Griffith-sama's side.  We can't be together, because those ice-blue eyes only see the castle.  Never me.  I would do anything for him and have done all I could for him since the day he saved me.  But the quickest way to gain a kingdom of his own would be to marry Charlotte-hime-sama.  I know that.  And I'm sure that's what he'll do, because Griffith-sama will do anything for his dream.

I've known for some time that there is nothing he wouldn't do for a kingdom.  Giving his body to an old lecherous baron for supplies and safety, seducing an innocent girl for a crown.  Griffith-sama scares me sometimes.  Is what those eyes see truly worth it?

And now I know something within me is changing, because after the duel the thing I couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from was you.

You said you would come back when you knew the reason why you wield that sword.  You said it couldn't be for another's sake - only your own.  Can I really afford to hope I'll see you again?

"Caska," Judeau's voice whispers quietly in my ear.  "It's cold.  Come inside."  Judeau is the kind of man they had in mind when they coined the words "sturdy" and "dependable".  I allow him to lead me inside, and I'm surprised to find sympathy in his eyes.

Did you think you didn't have to choose it?

That I alone could win or lose it?

Later that night, I'm still awake.  I can't sleep, not for all the wishing in the world.  Our once small mercenary group, the Band of the Hawk, is now a large army, the heroes of Midland.  I still don't really understand why you left.  We've accomplished so much.  Objectively I know it sounds impossible for me to be the second-in-command of such an army because I'm a woman.  But here I am, and it's all because I worked so hard to please Griffith-sama.  And here at the top, whereas before my eyes were only for him, my eyes are now beginning to look someplace else.  To look for you, wherever you may be.

"CASKA!  There's trouble!"  Judeau shouts, throwing open my door.  "Soldiers are coming - they have orders to arrest us!"

"Where's Griffith-sama?"  I ask, quickly strapping on my armor.

He shakes his head, worry evident.  "No one knows for sure, but the rumor is that he's been taken into custody."

"Kuso," I swear under my breath.  "Get everyone up.  We're getting the hell out of here as quickly as possible."

Oh the wheel is turning, spinning round and round

And the house is crumbling but the stairways stand

Griffith-sama, where are you?

Gatts...where are you?

With no guilt and no shame, with no sorrow or blame

Whatever it is, we are all the same

In the end, we three are all the same.  Blinded by different things, but blinded just the same.  Not sorry for our actions, each working towards our own dream.  Taking whatever steps to find our kingdom, our place, our purpose.

Seeing things that were not there

On a wing, on a prayer

In this state of disrepair

As we began the long trek to escape certain death, mercenary groups engaged us in skirmishes, causing my army losses we could not afford.  Griffith is gone, you are gone, and everything, all our dreams, went to hell in one night.  After a week, everyone's still in shock.  How did we go from a silver pinnacle to the depths of hell so quickly?

Did you think you didn't have to chose it?

That I alone could win or lose it

In all the places we were hiding love

What was it we were thinking of?

Now it's just too late for our secret world.