Emperor Beld's First Date

an extremely perverted fic by Harukami

Notes: This is a blatant piece of flan written in a pure moment of insanity. It is dedicated to Miss Nightfall, having been prompted by her statement about Ashram's obsessive behaviour regarding Beld: "What, were they datin' or somethin'?" (Though it might have been "are they screwin' or somethin'?". My memory isn't what it was and I always get the two confused, anyway.) This is for you, hon!

Flames welcome, 'cause they're fun to MST. Wonder where the author got what she wrote this on? Email her at harukami@magicalgirls.net!


Beld, Emperor of the dark land of Marmo, had a dream.

Okay, he had a lot of dreams. Some he didn't remember, some were the dreams where he woke with sticky sheets, and once he dreamed he was eaten by a piece of toast.

But those were just dreams. Emperor Beld had a DREAM!

No, it wasn't THAT one.

His dream was to take over... er, UNITE Lodoss.

That was all very well and good, but his evil minions had been decimated by Valisian armies and he was in the process of making more. So in the meantime...

Emperor Beld was BORED.

Because Emperor Beld was bored, he was also alone as his evil minions fled his wrath.

It wasn't that Emperor Beld wasn't a people-person. He tried not to slaughter his people needlessly, got fresh brains for his Zombies every day, and had even found a good psychiatrist for the war-traumatised Dark Elves. Yet the stereotype held on, because he was a rumbly-voiced evil emperor with a demon soul-stealing sword and looked a little like a lion on steroids.

Thus his love life... non-existant.

Beld sighed.

Ashram, the Black Knight, stuck his head into the room. "Highness?"

"Yes, Ashram?" Beld rumbled in response to his Knight. Ashram was a bishounen with the slight problem of a prematurely receding hairline, but he had a nice butt. A nice butt made up for a large forehead. Oh, and he was a great general too. Very evil.

Ashram stood at his form of attention -- hand on sword hilt, looking completely relaxed. He hesitated, as if being the bearer of bad news. "Well..."

Emperor Beld eyed him. More. Emperor Beld looking at most people with such scrutiny made them plead for mercy. Ashram just got a weird look on his face.

"Uh... I was wondering..."

"Go on," Beld commanded.

Ashram took a deep breath, stopping only when his armour constricted. "Wouldyouliketogoonadateorsomething?"

Emperor Beld blinked, attempting to translate nervous-guy-speak. "A what?"

The Black Knight suddenly looked extremely shy, trailing his foot in a circle behind him. "Well, you know, you were looking really bored, and, you know, the armies are busy being raised again, and, you know, and, well, I'm kind of bored too..." he glanced up at Beld in a way that would have been through his bangs if he had any.

A date. Emperor Beld didn't think he'd ever been on one. Sure, he'd gotten laid before, but... a /date/?!?! He knew what they were... in theory...

"Where would you want to go?" he asked his evil general eventually.

Ashram perked up. "Well, there's this nice ice-cream shop in the town beneath your Evil-Seeming Castle..."

Eyebrow twitching, completely unamused, Emperor Beld asked, "We have an ice cream shop in my Evil Empire?"

Ashram shrugged. "It's really good ice cream..."


"I'll have the chocolate-slathered triple chocolate chocolate brownie sundae," Ashram ordered, also ordering immediate tooth rot. "Oh, and can I have a creme de menthe sauce on that?"

Emperor Beld gawked at his evil general. He wasn't gawking quite as badly as the workers at the shop were at him, but it was still a pretty impressive gawk.

"No creme de menthe? How about those little sprinklie things?"

Gawk. Gawk. Gawk.

Ashram turned, humming. "What are you getting, highness?"

Beld was never one to turn down any challenge, but looking at the oozing thing in Ashram's hands made his courage and stomach grow weak. "Uh... I'll have a half-and-half cone," he rumbled.

Hurriedly, Beld made a strategic retreat to a secluded table, Ashram following him with an unusual look of ecstasy on his face.

Slowly eating his relatively plain cone, Beld watched Ashram attack his Instant Death Sundae, somewhere between fascination and revulsion. "Is that safe?" he asked eventually.

The evil general nodded. "Of course. Because I train the legions of Undead and Dark Elves long into the night, frequently start battles while fortresses are asleep, and am the target for assassination, I must avoid sleep at all costs. And THIS--" he indicated the sundae with a wave of his sticky spoon, "tastes better than coffee."

Beld blinked. "Really? I just don't sleep. I don't think evil people have to..."

"...Oh. Well, it still tastes good."

The Dark Emperor shook his head. "Ashram, you're vibrating."

"Is that a pick-up line?"


Needless to say, watching the heartless Black Knight skip along like a three-year-old on the sugar high dreaded since the beginning of time, Emperor Beld was no longer bored. Slightly worried, but not bored.

They paused by the front of the Evil-Seeming Castle. Ashram cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "I guess I should be getting back to the barraks, see how the skeletons are regenerating, make sure the Dark Elves don't burn the fort down..." he Paused.

"Well..." Beld suddenly realized what that Pause was for and nervously traced his scar. "Would you like to come upstairs... for coffee?"

Ashram held out a hand. It was moving like the Vibromatic-5000. "I think I've had enough."

Had he read the Black Knight wrong? Beld wondered. Well, all he could do was get rejected, and if THAT hurt too much, he could always have Ashram executed. "Then would you like to come upstairs for sex?"

The Black Knight debated for all of 0.0362 seconds, then grinned. "Well... okay!"




(Miko's Note: Thank you Harukami!! And I noticed you even added my dream about being eaten by the toast in there! *wipes away a tear*)