by Harukami... ]

Author's note: I don't know. Just read it... email me at

The crowd talks restlessly, wondering when the author will get around to write something. Suddenly, a loud wailing noise comes over the loudspeakers, and a certain well-known, husky voice speaks.

Haruka: sheepishly Uh... sorry. there is a slight pause, then the voice returns. Hi, everyone, and welcome to the very first fight at the Gladiatorial Arena! under her breath start the music.

Suddenly, "Ai no Megami no How to Love" starts to blare over the loudspeakers.

Haruka: What the hell is THAT??!? Do I have to do everything myself??!?

Chibi-Usa:heard in the background I'm sorry, Haruka-san, I put the wrong CD in, I'm really really sorry, please forgive me, if I do it right next time you'll let me see Hota-chan, right? Please, I'm so sorry...

Haruka: Stop grovelling, and get the right music, and I'll keep my promise.

Chibi-Usa: Oh, thank you, thank you! You are an angel from heaven, a godsend, I don't know how to thank you, great goddess!

Haruka: Um... obviously uncertain of how to deal with this gratuitous desplay of devotion... You're welcome. The music? another silence, then "Initial U" starts to play.

Haruka: There it is! Today's fight will be the battle of... um, weapons-crazy psychopaths. Introducing our first fighter: Heero of Gundam Wing fame!

The door on one side of the arena opens, and Heero stalks out, glaring at the audience. He crosses his arm and stands impassive. A breeze ruffles his hair. The dramatic moment is spoiled as a young man with an incredably long braid bounds over and to the rail and shouts towards him.

Duo: HEEEEEEEEEEY! Looking great! Come back to me in one piece, babe!

Heero:just loud enough for the first rows to hear I'm going to kill you, Duo.

Haruka: Heero is infamous for his love of weaponry, and his determination to always complete a mission. His battle skills... but let's just see for ourselves, shall we?

audience cheers

Haruka: And our other fighter is Leona Ozaki of Dominion Tank Police!

the other door in the arena opens, and a rather dinky tank comes through. The hatch opens, and a young, red-haired woman pops her head out.

Leona: Hi, everybody! Is everybody as happy to be here as I and Boneparte are?!

audience cheers louder

Haruka: Leona is known for her amazing aim and the love she gives her tank. laughs Personally, I think her boyfriend must be jealous.

Leona: Hey! That's not true! Al understands that a tank is more important!

somewhere in the audience, Al bursts into tears

Haruka: Now on with the fight!

the music seamlessly changes to a piece with a heavy beat, perfect for fighting.

Haruka: With the bell...


Leona ducks back into her tank, and Heero strips off his jacket, revealing many explosives strapped to his body in easy to reach places. He pulls out a grenade, yanks the pin out with his teeth, and tosses it towards the tank.

Haruka: Heero has made the first move!

The tank actually rumbles towards the approaching grenade, then somehow manages to hop upwards, leaving the grenade to explode uselessly behind.

Haruka: I've never seen that happen! It seems Leona has very tight control over the tank!

Heero finds himself staring down a VERY large barrel. He dives to the side immediately, leaving a trail of grenades behind him as he goes. However, the little tank is too fast and passes all the grenades before they detonate.

Haruka: Although that ploy has bought Heero some time, it doesn't seem to do much else... WOW! Where'd he get THAT?

The Gundam pilot has somehow managed to find a plasma cannon. He quickly wheels it around and aims it at the tank. A beam shoots out and burns along the side of the tank, which stops.

Haruka: Was it just me, or was he humming as he did that? Uh oh, the hatch is opening, and Leona looks pissed.

The Tank Police officer, with an angry shout, actually jumps out of the tank.

Leona: You hurt my poor Boneparte, and now you're going to pay, you bastard!

Leona grabbs her gun from her side, and a bullet whizzes through the air which would have killed Heero-- if he'd still been there.

Haruka: It seems that Heero's speed is as good as Leona's aim.

Leona shoots again and again, until she runs out of ammunition. She searches vainly for more, then curses, flings the gun down, and pulls knives out of her jacket, flinging them where the bullets failed. Soon, she's out of those as well.

Haruka: I guess Leona's out of options... wait!

Leona runs towards Heero, obviously intent on strangling him. Heero watches her with disbelief, then shoots her. Leona collapses.

Haruka: Well.

the crowd is silent, then seems to relax collectively as Leona sits up again.

Leona: Ow. I died, didn't I?

Haruka: Yes, but thanks to the miracles of fanfics, you get to survive the battle with your life, if not your pride. Heero's the winner!

Leona bursts into tears and goes to cuddle with her tank. Heero smiles slightly, but shows no other reaction until Duo hops the rail and lands in the arena and flings himself into Heero's arms.

Duo: Oh, you were great! You are gonna get sooo lucky tonight!

Heero growls but lets Duo lead him off the arena.

Haruka: Thanks to both our fighters, and I hope you all come back next week for another exciting fight! Goodnight!

There is a little clicking noise but the background sound continues.

Haruka: I think that's the right button. a dry but attractive chuckle is heard.

Michiru: You are such a vain thing, Haruka. Playing "Initial U?"

Haruka: defensively It was my announcing time, wasn't it. Why don't you just say I did it badly and get it over with?!

Michiru: chuckle You did it wonderfully, and with amazing natural skill, just like you do everything else. sound of cloth on cloth

Haruka: Oh? Like what elmmghmmm...mmm...

kissing noises

Michiru: breathlessly Ruka-koi, is that light supposed to be blinking on the microphone?

Haruka: Shimatta! another clicking noise is heard, then silence. The remainder of the audience leave, disappointed.

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