Scene: The basement of the Diet Building.

Hit with a vision, Hinoto collapses, caught quickly by Hien and Souhi.

"Princess!"

"Princess!"

Child hands clutching at the air, Hinoto gazes sightlessly at her two assistants. "The Kamui has returned to Tokyo."

Hien and Souhi glance at each other, but their princess hasn't finished.

She gasps telepathically. "Their... their parody is foreordained..."

xXxXxXx

X-Tra/1999

a really bad parody fic by Harukami

Kamui: *dryly* Disclaimer. Harukami claims no responsibility for health problems caused by too much disgust or laughter. She's just irresponsible like that. She's stolen blatently from CLAMP, REM, and Prince, and isn't sorry. Not like she has any money anyway. So, get over it. Yeah. Email her at harukami@magicalgirls.net . Flames will be MSTed unless they wear lingerie and work at a Soapland. What're you still here for? Go on. Shoo. Shoo!

xXxXxXx

The beginning chords for X Japan's "Forever Love" start up, but suddenly switch to REM's "End of the World"

That's great, it starts with an earthquake,

ofuda, blasts, and shinken;

Seishirou is not afraid!

[Seishirou: Feh. Boring.]

Eye of a hurricane

listen to Toru burn

[Kamui: MOOOTHEERR!!!]

World serves its own means

Dragons serve their own means

[Black Fuuma: They seem to think we're doing this for someone else?]

Feed it off, eat some ice cream

squeak not scream

[Kotori: There must have been something wrong with my voice box when Kanoe

grabbed my ankles...]

BEAST not the least

fight down height...

[Satsuki: Uh... can somebody get me down?]

Wire in a fire

Seven for each side

[Kanoe: Hey, nobody ever counts me...]

Assassin for hire

and a combat site!

[Seishirou: *holds up sign, 'will kill for an eye replacement'*]

Left from west

and coming in with a hurry

with the dragons breathing down your neck!

[Kamui: Can't this stupid world-shaped orb go any faster?!]

Team by team reporters baffled

Trumped teathered cropped.

Look at that shining sword!

[Kamui, Fuuma, and Arashi: Whose?!]

Save yourself, serve yourself

World serves its own means

[Seishirou: That's what /I/ always say.]

Listen to your heart bleed,

Kotori has been ruptured!

[Kotori: That's just wrong.]

And the medium's in the right

Right?

[Subaru: Right!]

You vitriolic, patriotic

slam fight

bright light

feelin' pretty psyched!

[Fuuma: Yeah!]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

It's the end of the world as we know it!

[Fuuma and Kamui fight to the death with big scary shinken]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

And I feel fine!

[Kotori gets dismembered.]

12 O'clock, witching hour,

Don't go near the Tokyo Tower!

[Hinoto: Actually, do.]

Slash and burn, return,

Listen to Toru burn

[Toru: You must return to Tokyo...]

Locking in, unforming,

Body burning,

blood letting

[Kotori: It's inside me! And it's GROWING! AAAHHH!]

Automotive incinerate!

Light a candle, light a smoke

[Seishirou: Got a light?]

Fly down, fly down,

Watch Kusanagi get crushed, crushed!

[Kusanagi: Heartless SOB.]

Uh-oh, this means no,

Fear the bow

[Nataku: It's a ribbon.]

Renegade, steer clear!

A doujinshi

A doujinshi of lies!

[Subaru: Uck! Stop reading that you hentai!]

Offer me solutions

Offer me alternitives and I decline.

[Fuuma: Thanks but I'll kill you instead.]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

It's the end of the world as we know it!

[Fuuma and Kamui fight to the death with big scary shinken]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

And I feel fine!

[Kotori gets stabbed with the Shinken]

The other night I dreamed of swords,

Kamui, world devide

[Kotori: Those dreams are just too funky.]

Dragons sit in a line,

Karen Kasumi, Yuzuriha Nekoi, Subaru, and Arashi!

[Sorata, Kamui, and Aoki: What about us?]

Bangs, 1999, sugar crepes, dark things, boom!

[Seishirou: A new chant for Viz to give me.]

You symbiotic, patriotic Kamui, right?

Right.

[Fuuma: You bet.]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

It's the end of the world as we know it!

[Fuuma and Kamui battle to the death with big scary shinken]

It's the end of the world as we know it!

And I feel fine!

[Kamui: No! Why did it have to be you?! Why like this? FUUUMAAAAAA!!!!]

Fine...

...it's time I had some time alone...

[Kamui: FUUUUMMAAAA! *cough choke gasp*]

xXxXxXx

Scene: The hidden depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ.

Fuuma sits obediently at Kanoe's...... feet.

"Now, repeat after me. 'I am Kamui.'"

"You're not Kamui! Kamui never had THOSE..."

"No, YOU are Kamui!"

"But I'm Fuuma..."

xXxXxXx

Scene: The Monou household.

Kotori, sleepy, wanders into the bathroom and reaches for a tube of toothpaste, rolled and dilapidated looking.

Suddenly, she freaks, dropping the tube and screaming hysterically. Fuuma leaps to her rescue, wearing bunny pjs and carrying a Kamui plushie. He catches Kotori before she hits the ground.

"Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just a tube of toothpaste! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: A random rooftop in Tokyo.

Subaru Sumeragi faces Seishirou Sakurazuka. Keeping his eyes on his opponent, Subaru raises his kekkai.

Seishirou smirks. "An impressive kekkai. But to be expected of the head of the Sumeragi."

The onmyouji's eyes narrow. "Shall we dispose of these pleasantries? I'm here to kill you."

"But Subaru-kun," Seishirou smiles, "I don't want to kill YOU."

Subaru facefaults. "Eh?!"

"Your sister's nattering from the Sakura tree has forced me to examine my feelings and I find I am madly in love with you with a good helping of lust thrown in."

Wind wooshes by as they stare at each other, Seishirou with his accustomed smirk, Subaru in shock.

Eventually, Seishirou seems to find it necessary to say something else.

"Care to elope?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ.

"I am... Kanoe?"

"NO! I am Kanoe! You, Fuuma, are Kamui!"

"...huh?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: the Monou household.

Kotori digs around in the fridge and pulls out some leftover spam. She smiles over at Fuuma, who is apparently sitting doing his homework. "I'll cook dinner tonight, Fuuma-Oniisan."

He tosses her a fork. "Good luck!"

Staring at the metal object, Kotori suddenly freaks, screaming hysterically and dropping the fork. Fuuma leaps to her rescue, throwing his book aside and revealing it was actually a hentai Tokyo Babylon doujinshi. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just an unassuming eating implement! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: the lawn outside a random house

The door opens and Nataku wanders out. It is wearing a frilly pink dress and an emotionless expression. It pauses, looking at the screen, and there is a long silence.

Finally, Nataku speaks.

"You know, Kamui showed up the other day. Not Kamui Kamui, Fuuma Kamui, you know? He wandered around and blew things up, Kamui did, you know? And he looks like my daddy, you know? Kamui does. Not Kamui Kamui, you know, Fuuma Kamui. So I asked him why? And, you know, he said 'cause that's what he does. Kamui does Kablooie. And that was Kamui, you know. Fuuma Kamui."

Pause.

"Yeah."

Pause.

"Okay, bye bye."

Still expressionless, Nataku turns and goes back into the house.

xXxXxXx

Scene: The depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ.

"I am... Kafuma?"

"You're getting there."

"Thanks, Satsuki."

"I'm Kanoe."

"Whatever."

 

Scene: The Monou household

"Ne, Fuuma-Oniisan, can you help me with my homework?"

Fuuma enters the room wearing a 'Kamui-fanclub' T-shirt. "No problem. What are you studying?"

"Finite..." She opens the math book to chapter nine and suddenly freaks, screaming hysterically and dropping her calculator.

Fuuma leaps to the rescue. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just a diabolically evil text book! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: A strange arena

Fuuma and Kamui face each other across the arena. Kotori stands by Fuuma, cupping her hands by her belly.

She speaks. "Oh rose of the noble castle... power of Kamui that sleeps within me... heed thy master and come forth!"

Suddenly, a sword hilt jumps from her stomach in a spray of blood. Fuuma takes hold of it and draws it the rest of the way.

"Grant me the power to bring the world revolution!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ

"Let me see if I've got this right. You are Kanoe, the chick in the computer is Satsuki, the blond dude is Yuuto, the unconcious guy is Kakyou, the big guy is Kusanagi, the freak rooming with the Onmyouji is Seishirou, and the genderless thing that keeps calling me 'daddy' is Nataku."

"Very good. Now, who are you?"

"...I don't know...?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The Monou household

Kotori reaches for the shoto screen and pauses. "Fuuma-Oniisan, I'm heading off to the corner store! Can I get you anything?"

"No," Fuuma calls back, "I'm fine!"

She turns back to the door with a smile then suddenly freaks, screaming hysterically and dropping her wallet.

Fuuma leaps to her rescue, still wearing Nataku's pink frilly dress. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just a sliding screen made of paper and wood! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The basement of the Diet building

Hinoto stares sightlessly at the Dragons of Heaven. "Awright, it's the final day and to be certain you're all here I want you all to say 'check' when I call your name."

"Whyyyyy?"

"'Cause I'm blind, dumbass. Well, I know Sorata's here. Arashi?"

"Check!"

"Yuzuriha?"

"Check!"

"Subaru?"

He sighs. "Yes..."

"Great, then the Silent Bishounen Angst Waves must be coming from Kamui."

"..." says Kamui.

"Karen?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Uh... that guy I'm forgetting?"

Aoki waves a hand frantically. "Oooh! Ooh! Me! I'm here!"

"'sall good. Sorata, you wearing clean underwear?"

Sorata gapes. "Why would ya ask THAT?!"

Hinoto rolls blind eyes. "You KNOW it's in your destiny to die! You want anyone to find you with dirty underwear?"

"I only have one pair," Sorata protests, then throws an arm over Arashi's shoulders. "But Miss doesn't mind!"

Arashi squirms away. "Ew! Sorata cooties!" She rubs a hand hurriedly on Subaru's shoulders to get them off.

Subaru freaks. "AAH! I don't want 'em! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!" He wipes his hand on Karen's back.

Karen is not upset. "Is that all, Princess?"

The Hidden Priestess interrupts Hinoto. "Karen! How can you remain so calm in the face of SORATA COOTIES?!"

The soap girl shrugs. "In my line of work, I've had 'em before."

Yuzuriha 'oohs'. "Do they hurt?"

Scratching her groin thoughtfully, Karen replies, "Actually, they're kind of itchy..."

"Ahem!" Hinoto exclaims telepathically. "If everything is in order, you should be leaving. Please stick close together so nobody gets lost, and remember to conduct yourself well so you don't give us a bad name. Now, does anyone have to go to the bathroom before the end of the world...?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ

"I am... Hinoto?"

"???"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The Monou household

Kamui trails a foot nervously behind him on the ground. It's Kusanagi's. Uh, Kotori... it's Valentine's Day... and I really want you to have this..."

The girl practically glows. "Why Kamui! You shouldn't have!" Opening the box, she suddenly freaks, dropping the chocolates.

Fuuma leaps to her rescue, demon of jealousy dancing on his forehead. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just a box of cruddy chocolates! It's not mother!"

Kamui blinks.

xXxXxXx

Scene: A soccer field stolen from the set of Zetsuai

"As usual, when you are angry, you kick into an empty goal." Kamui smiles, letting his school jacket slide from his shoulders. "But wouldn't it be more scary to hit into a guarded goal?"

Fuuma glares. "Just try to block my shots!" He kicks multiple times and Kamui goes flying, missing about twelve and blocking about three. Finally, pissed off, Fuuma glances up with angry eyes.

Kamui freezes. Those eyes! They are the same... the same as back then...

His obsessive sentiment is ended rapidly as a soccer ball impacts with his face at great velocity.

Black Fuuma smiles evilly. "Oops."

xXxXxXx

Scene: A different part of the depts of the Dragon of Earth HQ

Satsuki waves at the hulking mass with a stick.

It hums at her.

She winds up and throws. "BEAST! Fetch!"

Cable shooting out, the stick is caught and returned.

"Oos a good boy den?! Oos mummy's widdwe baby?!"

Kana slowly scroll across the screen.

"W.O.O.F."

xXxXxXx

Scene: Back in the normal part of the Dragon of Earth HQ

"I... am... me..."

"That's a really spooky voice, boy."

"My name's Fuuma."

"Kamui."

"What about him?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: a field of blood.

On a huge crucifix Kotori is strung up. A batwinged Kamui hovers over her. The real Kamui is running through the blood.

"No! Kotori! It's all your fault my pants are bloodsoaked!"

The batwinged Kamui agrees. "Now she must pay!" He stabs her with the shinken, then pulls the cord that should rip her to shreds but gets a funny grip and cuts his fingers off. "Shit!" Still, Kotori's head falls and

Kamui runs to it.

"KOOOOOTOOOORIIIIII!" He grins and throws a leg out. "Boot to da head!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The Monou household

Kotori is digging around in her closet. "Mou! Where is it?!" Finding what she's looking for, she pulls it out and suddenly freaks, screaming hysterically and dropping it.

Fuuma leaps to her rescue, dropping the girl's bra he'd borrowed. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just your hat, you wear it almost every day! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXx

Scene: Some stupid looking messy room with Arashi posters.

Suddenly, Sorata hears a voice. "Sorata... Sorata..."

"Yeah? Who is it?" Sorata looks around.

"It's God, Sorata."

He whistles. "Wow... how did you know my name?"

"I know everything. I have chosen you to give a message to the world. Are you ready for the message, Sorata?"

"Sure, fire away!"

"Do you have a pencil or something? It's kind of an important message..."

Sorata fetches a pencil and paper. "Sure, go on God."

"The message is this: repent, humanity, and change your ways or you will be destroyed."

"Right. Got it. Repent or be destroyed."

But Sorata put the message down and forgot about it, until one day when he was checking the messages on his answering machine.

"Hi, Sorata? It's Arashi. Just reminding you about the Utena movie that's starting on Friday. Adolescence Mokushiroku. Tell everyone!"

Sorata nods. "Hey yeah!"

Beep.

"Sorata, this is God. I don't mean to be pushy, but... the message? Remember? Pass it on."

This time, Sorata did remember to pass the message on. Unfortunately, it was the message about the Utena movie. Then one day while he was playing Azure Dreams on his Playstation at home...

"Sorata?"

"Oh, hi God."

"You know that message..."

"AaH! I almost got him!... oh, yeah, the message..."

"You still have to... watch out for that goopy thing!"

"Thanks God!"

Pause.

"So what's the game about?" God asks.

"Well, you collect monsters and girlfriends..."

Thus though the message was forgotten, God and Sorata became good friends and the world was saved from destruction without even involving the Kamuis.

xXxXxXx

Scene: A different part of the depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ

Yuuto waves at the hulking mass with a stick.

It hums at him.

He winds up and throws. "BEAST! Fetch!"

Cable shooting out, Yuuto is caught and introduced repeatedly to the wall.

"AAH! SATSUKI! CALL YOUR DAMN COMPUTER OFF!"

Kana slowly scroll across the screen.

'G.R.R.'

xXxXxXx

Scene: A room that looks remarkably like that of A.A meetings...

Shogo Asagi stands at the front of the room. "I... I have a problem."

Subaru, Councillor Extrordinaire, nods. "Go on."

"Rather, I have a problem with the X movie."

Angry murmurs fill the room, but Shogo continues. "I ... I was created just for the movie. I don't exist in the actual X storyline!" All the water in the room begins to vibrate in sympathy. "Don't you understand?!" he suddenly screams. "I live with the fact that I don't really exist!!!"

Kakyou's unconscious body holds up a sign. 'You have a problem?' Sign change. 'You at least were IN the movie!' Sign change. 'They decided not to spoil the readers with (over)'

Shogo blasts it out of his hand. "Oh, shut up!"

Kakyou somehow gets ahold of another sign. 'Dumbass...'

Towering over the others, Kusanagi stands. "Neither of you understand a REAL problem! I was a nice guy in the manga but in the movie they made me out to be a psychopathic freak! I tried to KILL Yuzu-chan, not take her out for ice cream!"

Council Extrordinaire Subaru loses it. "Oh yeah?! Oh YEAH?! Well, I got killed in the first five minutes! And like they know anything about my one wish anyway!"

Instantly the room dissolves into chaos as everyone leaps up and voices their opinion.

Or almost everyone.

Seishirou sits back and observes with a cup of tea and a smirk. "I rather thought I was in character, actually..."

xXxXxXx

Scene: The depths of the Dragon of Earth HQ

"I AM KAMUI!"

"Yes! You finally got it, Fuuma!"

"Who's Fuuma?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: A bedroom

Subaru gazes out of the window at a lone star. "Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight." He takes a deep breath. "I wish..."

His mouth keeps moving but no sound comes out. Instead, captions pop up on

the screen.

'Three years ago.'

Tears well up in Subaru's eyes and his mouth keeps moving.

'Three years ago.'

Continuing his silent monologue, Subaru covers his heart and closes his eyes.

'In summer.'

A faint smile touches his lips as he finishes.

'In summer.'

"Goodnight, Seishirou," Subaru whispers and goes to bed.

Ohkawa Nanase shrugs. "Hey. Spoilers, okay?"

xXxXxXx

Scene: The Monou household.

Kotori is climbing into bed when she suddenly realizes that she'd forgotten to say goodnight to Fuuma three hours earlier before she started praying for a happy ending. Wandering barefooted into her brother's room she saw...

Kamui curled up buck naked next to her brother. The boy she loved in bed with her BROTHER!

Naturally, she freaks, screaming hysterically and dropping her prayer book.

Fuuma leaps to her rescue in his birthday suit. "Kotori! Kotori! It's okay! It's just Kamui! It's not mother!"

xXxXxXxX

Scene: Backstage

Fuuma, Kamui, and Kotori wait patiently by the Director. "We're here for our paycheck," Kamui says.

The Director waves a hand dismissively. "Bah! You guys are TERRIBLE actors! I have NO plans on paying you unless you prove yourselves! Maybe next episode." He pulls out a card and holds it out to Kamui. "This is the thrilling trailer line. Read it."

Kamui looks at Fuuma. Fuuma looks at Kamui. Kotori looks at Kamui. Kamui looks at Kotori. Kotori looks at Fuuma. Fuuma looks at Kotori.

They are in total agreement.

Kamui takes the card and smiles tersely. At the same time, Kotori throws herself into Fuuma's arms and he buries his hand in her stomach, yanking out a shinken.

"Resurrect me when you get a new Director..." Kotori whispers and dies.

Fuuma smiles bloodily and advances on the Director.

"Gusy? Uh, can't we talk about this--?"

Kamui clears his throat and turns to the camera, blocking the view of the proceedings. "Next time on Xtra/1999 -- assuming we get a new Director for there to BE a next time -- will Fuuma ever remember that he is really Kamui? Why did Kotori's hoard of gerbils all produce miniature shinken? Fuuma, Kamui, and Nataku take on the yaoi authors with a veangance and Seishirou gets drunk... or does he?"

"No! Auuugh...." There is a gurgle and blood spatters the side of Kamui's face.

He wipes it off and continues. "Features a Kusanagi song-and-dance number and more Toru nude scenes! Does any of this actually happen?! Can you believe any of it?! Probably not, but it sounds good." Kamui smiles as the director's head goes flying past. "Cut to the closing theme."

End theme: I'm Going to Kill Now Like it's 1999

Don't worry, I won't hurt you (much)

I only want to have some fun

Kanoe's dreamin' when she wrote this

Forgive her if it goes astray

But when I woke up this mornin'

Coulda sworn it was judgment day (and it was!)

The sky was all bloody

There were people runnin' everywhere

Tryin' to run from the destruction

You know I didn't even care ('cause I'm evil now)

'Cuz they say Kamui has returned

Oops out of time

So tonight I'm gonna kill now like it's 1999

Kanoe was dreamin' when she wrote this

So sue her if it goes too fast

But life is just a bloodbath (yeah!)

And this world wasn't meant to last!

Seals are all around us

My twin star says prepare to fight

So if I gotta die

I'm gonna listen to my destiny tonight

Yeah, they say Kamui has returned!

Oops out of time

So tonight I'm gonna kill now like it's 1999

Yeah

Lemme tell ya somethin'

If you didn't come to fight

Don't bother knockin' on my door

I got a shinken in my pocket

And baby I'm ready for more!

Yeah, everybody's got a shinken

We could all die any day

But before I'll let that happen

I'll fight my life away

They say Kamui has returned

Oops out of time

We're runnin' outta time

So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna kill now like it's 1999)

Say it 1 more time

Kamui has returned

Oops out of time

No, no

So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna kill now like it's 1999)

Alright, it's 1999

You say it, 1999

1999

1999 don't stop, don't stop, say it one more time

Kamui has returned

Oops out of time

Yeah, Yeah

So tonight we gonna, we gonna (Tonight I'm gonna kill now like it's 1999)

Yeah, 1999 (1999)

Don'tcha wanna go (1999)

Don'tcha wanna go (1999)

We could all die any day (1999)

Gonna help you die

Gonna fight my life away

Listen to what I'm tryin' to say

Everybody, everybody say kill now (kill)

C'mon now, you say kill now (kill)

That's right, everybody say (kill)

Can't run from the revelation, no (kill)

Sing it for your nation y'all (kill)

Tell me what you're singin', baby say (kill)

Telephone's a-ringin', mama (kill)

C'mon, c'mon, you say (kill)

Everybody, [two times] (kill)

Work it down to the ground, say (kill)

(kill)

Come on, fight my body, baby (kill)

That's right, c'mon, sing the song (kill)

(kill)

That's right (kill)

Got a shinken in my pocket mama, say (kill)

Oh, and I'm ready for more (kill)

Kotori, why does everybody have a shinken?

Kotori, why does everybody have a shinken?

 

Fanfic!