Reality Hits - an X fic by Harukami

 

Author's Notes: A short thing thrown together for Subaru and Hokuto' s birthdays, Feb 19, 2000. Happy birthday, you two. Yes, I was listening to 2 Be in Love while I wrote this. It's got.... june? is that the current term?... overtones. Yes. So. Um. "How da heck can you do a b-day fic for a guy when his birthday's AFTER da final day?!" Assume he knew about it and hasn't yet met the other Dragons of Heaven by early 1999. Of course, some of the events don't really work, which is why this has to be A/U. But really, they can't have avoided meeting. What happened in this time? 

 

When reality hits.

The final day was approaching.

Yes, reality was hitting.

Subaru sighed. It was something he did a lot of. He had a lot of reason to.

Long ago (too long ago), he would have been woken this morning with unending cheerfulness, felt himself be swept up by his sister's enthusiasm and they would have had chocolate cake for breakfast. Hokuto insisted on chocolate cake for breakfast on their birthday. Then they'd have gone over to Seishirou's clinic and...

It didn't matter. That was in the past.

When reality hits.

Wouldn't it be better just to die? He had to ask himself this. He wanted death, release, oblivion, but wasn't done his cycle yet. He still had things to fulfil. He understood what made a ghost.

Subaru was haunted. Not, unfortunately, by such a ghost. He knew how to deal with that with a minimum of difficulty. He was haunted by the past, however, and the past could not be exorcised with a few Sanskrit words and some hope.

Yes, reality was hitting.

For breakfast he had wheat cereal. He normally skipped breakfast but feared he might need the energy later, for what he needed to do. Just this once. Only once. There would be no need after.

When reality hits.

The tree was still hungry. Subaru knew that as he approached it. It had once seemed so beautiful to him, but seeing it now he could see the blood it had absorbed. And it wanted his blood.

"A little longer," he told it. He wondered if Seishirou ever talked to it.

He came close, but didn't touch it. It was probable that it would only hurt him if Seishirou hurt him, but he was unwilling to touch it. His sister's soul was trapped in there.

Yes, reality was hitting.

He held his hand perhaps a half a foot from the trunk. "Happy birthday, Hokuto-chan."

"SU-ba-RU!"

The medium spun. He knew that voice, though he hadn't heard it since long ago (too long ago). It was an impossibility.

Hokuto stamped her foot. "Mou, you're too gloomy! It's our birthday, Subaru! Lighten up."

His eyes widened. "Ho... Hokuto-chan." It wasn't reality. It couldn't be reality. Hokuto was dead.

When reality hits.

She crossed her arms. "What, you haven't seen me for, what is it, seven years, and you respond like that?"

Subaru couldn't help taking a step forward. "Uh... eight. Nine."

"Whatever. Mou, Subaru! You can be so silly at times."

That exasperated tone, the body language, the outlandish clothing... it was all her. "Hokuto-chan... you..."

That old brilliant smile crossed her face and she spread her arms to him. "Happy birthday, Subaru." It was as if he was sixteen again... sixteen, but with nine years of pain. A cry tore itself from his throat and he threw himself towards her, arms grasping. "Hokuto-chan!"

For a second, it seemed as if he would snatch her up and hold her, never let her go, but as his arms closed around her she dissolved into a flurry of cherry blossoms.

Yes, reality was hitting.

He fell to his knees and held the few remaining sakura petals to his chest.

A tear hit the ground and was absorbed.

Her voice echoed around him. "You used to understand the human heart. Why are you so blind now, Subaru?"

"Hokuto-chan..."

Another tear.

When reality hits.

"Subaru-kun."

The tears stopped and he fought to pull that old veil across again, the veil of uncaring, hatred, anger. He stood and the sakura petals drifted away. "Seishirou." He turned.

The assassin was standing there, sakura petals swirling around him. Sunglasses reflected the light and hid his eyes. Business suit was impeccable, hair stirred softly in the breeze, and the smile on his lips had nothing behind it.

Yes, reality was hitting.

"You're staring," Seishirou said, smile sweet. "Do you still find me sexy?"

The words helped the veil settle. "Do not play with me, Seishirou. I am not your toy."

His smile grew, answering that silently.

Subaru's eyes narrowed. "And did you think to fool me with that Maboroshi? Was that enjoyable for you?"

"Maboroshi?" Seishirou seemed slightly off stride, then smiled again. "You are not that easy to fool with a simple illusion."

When reality hits.

The silence around them grew and Subaru realized he had gone into a defensive stance. He straightened.

"Why are you here?" Seishirou asked mildly, hands in his pockets. "You do not seem right now as if you came for the fight. Are you waiting for the final day?"

"If you wish to fight I will kill you," Subaru told him, voice low. "Final day or not." He hated Seishirou's silent knowing smile. The man had no heart.

Seishirou tilted his head and the reflection of the sun vanished from his glasses, revealing the calm, kind eyes of the past. It was all a lie.

Yes, reality was hitting.

"But," Seishirou said softly, "you did not come here for that purpose."

Subaru was not going to tell him. Seishirou no longer had any right to know.

"Ah," Seishirou murmured, focussing on the tree. "Of course. It is your birthday, am I right? Yours and hers. How sentimental."

"People with hearts are."

Seishirou laughed. "Well, that explains me aptly. I have never been given to sentiment."

When reality hits.

"No. Eveything you have done is a lie."

"Was a lie. The me you see now is real." The smile never wavered.

"You only viewed me as a plaything."

"You were a fun plaything. Still are."

"And my sister?"

"Slightly annoying, a little too energetic, but very helpful."

"Bastard."

"Yes, I am."

Yes, reality was hitting.

"Why should I believe you? You are still trying to play with me."

"I am what I am." He smiled. "You never made me feel anything."

Part of Subaru told him that that was a lie. Nine years of anger told him otherwise. "You don't have a heart to feel with."

"I have never needed one. You are nothing to me."

Anger fueled Subaru's next words. "Than why do you still use me? Why do you not give in to your nature and kill me? WHY DO YOU STILL PLAY WITH ME?!"

"Is this conversation going anywhere? You are boring me."

When reality hits.

Anger drained away and Subaru turned. It was dangerous to turn his back, but their exchange had told him Seishirou was willing to wait until Subaru was no longer useful as a toy. "No. I will leave now."

He had very little warning, a mere stirring of the sakura petals, and he wouldn't have even had that without nine years of awareness. It only gave him time to have turn before a body and hand pinned him against the sakura tree, hurting. Physically, he was weaker than Seishirou. He might not have time to chant. He had misjudged Seishirou. Again.

Yes, reality was hitting.

And then a mouth met his, violent, teeth nipping lightly at his lips. Shock and the feeling he had thought he had repressed long ago (too long ago) made them slacken, open, and Seishirou's tongue invaded his mouth, plundered.

Always the invasion.

It was pleasant. Yes, he had still found Seishirou attractive, still wanted him after all these years, and that had remained under his consciousness for rather a long time. He was painfully aware of it now as his body reacted, meeting Seishirou's tongue, hands reaching up to tangle in the man's hair. It was...freeing.

When reality hits.

And yet he knew it wasn't enough. His body and heart were in shock, and his mind was screaming. Too much pain, the loss of his sister, the other half of himself. Loss of faith, loss of innocence. All of Subaru's losses were Seishirou's fault and the other man had never given him anything that wasn't a lie.

He loved Seishirou.

He hated Seishirou.

And as his body drew Seishirou close and his heart longed to lose itself in pretense that maybe the assassin felt something -- in the hope that with so many lies his claim to emotionlessness was a lie also -- he bit down on Seishirou's tongue and felt the warm, bitter blood fill his mouth.

Yes, reality was hitting.

Seishirou pulled away, breaking the grip, smiling, blood dripping from his mouth. Subaru slid down the trunk of the sakura, suddenly weak and in more pain than he'd felt for nine years, arms wrapped protectively around his torso, Seishirou's blood leaking from his lips.

They were both bleeding.

Slowly, Seishirou raised a hand and wiped the blood from his lips, smile never leaving. "That's why, Subaru-kun. That's why. Because we will always have that. All of it."

It didn't even fully penetrate Subaru's haze of pain and confusion and anger. He couldn't understand. He'd never been able to understand Seishirou. The pleasure. The pain. He couldn't understand. He raised his grass-green eyes to Seishirou and asked,

"Why?"

For a second, Seishirou seemed angry and disappointed, and then he laughed, that usual look of predatory amusement returning. "Happy birthday, Subaru."

Sakura petals swirled and he was gone, leaving Subaru alone beside the heartless tree surrounded by petals, clutching himself, and bleeding.

When reality hits.

He could taste Seishirou's blood in his mouth and in it was a freedom he couldn't find.

 

Liked it? hated it? Email the author at harukami@magicalgirls.net! Flames will be ignored unless they wear lingerie and work at a soapland. Subaru and Seishirou are the property of CLAMP who could crush me like a bug if they chose but 1) I have no money and 2) I meant this as a complement. Please don't sue me...

Keeper of the Kleenex Box Mitsuru Threw at Shinobu's Head

Bearer of the Great Twin Blades of Slashing

Borrower of Sea Vixen's Collection of Dorothy's Underwear

Wearer of the Supremely Dorky Subaru Hat

Owner of Fuuma's Head in a Box

and

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