The few people who visit this site may have noticed that I haven't updated since the holidays. There's a perfectly good reason for this... Shortly after unleashing the makings of a Deg Xmas on the world I was kidnapped and held hostage by the memebers of Shazna, who were apparantly upset that I had revealed their Satanic band rituals. I managed to escape by chewing through my restraints and leaping out of a seventh-story window to land safely in a garbage bin. I then became a homelss she-bum for a few weeks.

Jeez. First my falling out with Phil Collins and now Izam wants to kick my ass.

At any rate, I'm back now. And I want to talk about citrus gum. But since nobody would read that, I'll write about the offical break-up of Malice Mizer instead.

Malice Mizer, for the uneducated demon-spawn, are one of the most beloved visual bands out there. The original singer, Tetsu, was like the Japanese Robert Smith, only with less talent and possibly worse hair. Testu was replaced by Gackt, the Japanese Michael Jackson. Gackt left the band to pursue a solo career that consists of doing weird commercials and photo shoots where he looks soulful. Malice Mizer also had the misfortune to lose their drummer, Kami, who died of a brain hemmorage.

But Malice Mizer did not perish. Oh no. Not too long ago, Klaha, the Japanese David Bowie, joined the band. Klaha not only looked pretty, he also has a great voice and seemed to fit in perfectly with Mana, Yu~ki and Kozi, unlike Gackt who always looked a little out of place. With Klaha as their new bitch, Malice Mizer released some funky new stuff including one of my now-favourite songs, Beast of Blood.

But alas, all good things must come to and end because the Universe likes to dick around with me that way.

Sometime around the same time Charlie Clouser left Nine Inch Nails, it was announced that Malice Mizer would be breaking up. Personally, I think it's all a conspiracy to piss ME off.

"WHY?!" screamed the masses. "You bastards just got KLAHA! Are you smoking CRACK?!" (Well, ok, maybe it was just me screaming that.)

This news made me wonder what would happen to the memebers of Malice Mizer. Would they all pursue solo careers? Produce? Work at McDonalds? Perhaps. Or they could try out some of the jobs I deem appropriate for them.


The obvious choice for Malice Mizer's brains is to devote his time to fashion design. I think I remember reading somewhere that he does in fact sell clothes of his design, but then, that could be a false memory implanted in me by space aliens. If that fails, Mana should become a children's entertainer. He could have his own hour-long television program fileld with scary puppets and FUN!


Yu~ki is destined to become a strung-out transvestite hooker. I'm not sure why.


Kozi should definitely go into the food industry. I think he would gain a sense of happiness and inner peace as a waiter, and if the customers don't tip he could smash their water glasses on the table and threaten them with the shards.


If Klaha is sick of the music industry, I can see only one alternative for him.... >LIVE NUDE WEBCAM.

Of course, Malice Mizer is eternal. It's a lot like how NIN will be alive as long as Trent Reznor is... MM will survive as long as Mana does. I've already heard that the band is not REALLY breaking up, Klaha's just leaving. Personally I'm hoping that Mana snaps and decides to all the vocals himself. I wanna see him cover old Madonna songs.

But still, if the unthinkable DOES happen, I hope the memebers of Malice Mizer take my suggestions to heart. I have your best interests in mind, guys. (Klaha... WEBCAM. The only way to go. You can work your way up to porn movies if you like.)