Chances are, if you're a fan of J-Rock then you either a) speak Japanese quite well or b) are obsessed enough to look up translations of your favorite songs on the Internet. If you're the latter, then sometimes the translations can come as a bit of a shock... especially if you're a Dir en grey fan.

"My GOD," you might very well say after reading the translation for, say, Mazohyst of Decadence. "No WONDER the exchange students on the bus were looking at me like I was insane!!" Then you vomit quietly and vow never to sing in public again.

Kyo's pessimistic lyrics aren't for everyone. Oh sure, you and I might LOVE songs about masochists and dead babies but I can guarantee that translating those lil gems at your local church bake sale will get you into some trouble. "Gee," you might be thinking. "What the hell is Kyo's problem anyway?"

He's short, okay? Short people have a lot of anger.

But still, maybe Kyo could stand to lighten up the unhappy lyrics a tad. Pop some Prozac maybe. Let's examine one of his songs and see how we could tweak it so you could translate it for brownie points in Japanese class without looking like a psychopath.

Let's try... oh, Filth.

Sadistic sadistic sadistic awaken the sadist
Sadistic sadistic sadistic bury the sadist
Sadistic sadistic sadistic sever the masochist
Sadistic sadistic let's begin this platonically

Okay, first of all, references to S&M are a BAD thing! So let's replace 'sadistic' with 'friendly,' 'sadist' with 'puppy,' 'bury' with 'pet' and 'masochist' with 'fluffy rabbit.' And change 'sever' to 'poke.' Much better!

The sallowed, greedy insects
Are my frustrated sympathisers
Rotten apples inside my gastric juices
Now that's just nasty! Insects should be 'buggies.' Let's change 'inside my gastric juices' to 'are yucky.'

Won't you try the soup of sexual desire?

Replace 'sexual desire' with 'the day.'

The dripping, oozing pink maggots that
Soak in the formaline of sadistic desire
Rotten strawberries inside of that*
A sour marinee prepared with blood

Kyo must have written this one after a really bad luncheon. Replace 'maggots' with 'yummy goo.' 'Rotten' will be 'tasty' and 'blood' is SUUUUUGAR!

So, instead the song will sound like this:

Friendly friendly friendly awaken the puppy
Friendly friendly friendly pet the puppy
Friendly friendly friendly poke the fluffy bunny!
Friendly friendly friendly let's begin this platonically

The sallowed greedy buggies
Are my frustrated sympathisers
Rotten apples are yucky
Won't you try the soup of the day?
The dripping, oozing pink yummy goo
Soak in the formaline of friendly desire
Tasty strawberries inside of that
A sour marinee prepared with SUUUUUUUUUGAR!

Isn't that better? Dir en grey that Grandma can enjoy. And I can promise that you can sing it to the original tune and not notice the difference at ALL.