My desk is very cluttered and I periodically rummage through it like a bag-lady looking for pizza and old shoes. The last time I did this I discovered a CD my bondage-bitch pal Theo burnt for me. Lo and behold, what was on this little gem but a series of J-Rock videos, including 'Mizerable' by Gackt. Now, part of the reason I was put on this earth seems to be to ridicule Gackt Camui (formerly of Malice Mizer) whenever the oppurtunity presents itself.

I should review this, I thought. I need another thing to go on the stupid page I'm making... So here, my little anus-monkeys, is what I thought of the 'Mizerable' video.

The video opens with some swell violins playing, and we see this funky litter-thing being carried across the dessert by some guys who look an awful lot like those weird aliens in the first Star Wars. We then see that Gackt is inside the carriage-type deal, wearing an excruiatingly bad jacket.

Jacket-Gackt sings a bit, depsite the bumpy ride he's getting here. The other Gackt sways in the dessert and sings up at the camera. This repats a few times and you gotta wonder how comfy it is to be in that damn carriage... those guys sure are bouncing it around a lot.

Gackt gets jostled around a bit, then we cut to Gackt again, this time standing around in the dessert dressed all in black and looking moody... which I approve of.

The other Gackt, the one in black, is now up on a rocky cliff-thing. he appears to be either trying to hug the sky or commit suicide. He then dances... BADLY. It's painful to watch, really.

All the Gackts look sexily at the camera.

More singing and dancing. The effort proves too much and the dessert-Gackt (sounds like a rare species of rodent) falls over and jerks around a bit, then shows us his spine is made of rubber by bending in uncomfortable positions. Jacket-Gackt keeps on ridin in his pimp-mobile, yeeehaw!

MORE bad dancing.

We get a close-up of a turtle for some reason, as Gackt's little men finally carry the litter someplace with more scenery.

I just noticed that the Black-Gackt has some weird fringe goin on at the bottom of his shirt. What the fuck...?

As Jacket-Gackt falls over a lot inside his carrier-thing, a little guy in a red robe appears outside and just kind of... looks around, like he's lost. This is probably somehow important. Then all the Gackts look sad.

Then, the maker of this video, SATAN appears! The Devil plays a mean violin in the middle of a forest that I guess just sprang up when we weren't looking. Gackt appears in a very tight beige-ish prince-type outfit and sings some more. At this point I realised that this video is really quite LONG and I want it to be over already.

The hooded men run around and still Satan plays that violin. Gackt sings and the forest gets all pastel and foggy. Then everything goes dark. It's over...

NO! Here comes Gackt again, dancing in the dessert! KILL ME NOOOOW!

Prince-type-Gackt wanders arouns the woods, maybe looking for a good place to take a leak. He gets very upset at one point here... He then gets REALLY dramatic and does a lot of anguished posing, proving once and for all that he IS Lord of the Dorks.

We then get an up-the-nose shot of the Devil, which I could have done without. gackt shakes a lot and then is suddenly in a robe like the ones his buddies had on. I swear, the number of costume changes in this video... And now, MORE POSING! Some horrible jerky dancing, more of Satan and then... Gackt stares at us meaningfully and walks off into the sunset.

THE END! Finally! My GOD, that was a small movie!! One without plot, mind you.