For once in my life I'm not bullshitting you... here's an exact quote from AnimeNation: "Famous rock stars Gackt and Hyde will make their feature-film debut in director Atsuhisa Sese's "Moon." The futuristic gangster film has Gackt playing a yakuza boss going up against Hyde (who's probably a cop in the film). The shooting is set to begin very soon and the film will be released next spring."

Oh. Guy. Mod.

We knew it was bound to happen... celebrities with egos like Gackt's can't confine themselves to just one media. And we all know Gackt can act from the numerous commercials he's starred in. (I really and truly hope that the movie features a scene where Gackt falls off a horsie.)

As everyone knows, I was put on this earth to make fun of every single thing that Gackt does. The fact that Hyde is ALSO in this movie is just icing on the cake. It's like wuss-rock meets the alien invader! Ten bucks says that during shooting the two of them sit around like hausfraus discussing which bleach works best for them.

As I've mentioned in previous articles, I am a master of the Spooky Arts(tm) and so have the uncanny ability to predict future events. Because I love each and every one of you (except YOU... yeah, you in the back) I will now utilize my freaky mad skillz to give you a glimpse of what I think the movie will be like. Word to your MOM.

The movie poster.

Now, I'll admit I don't know much about the yakuza. I have a basic understanding of how the ranks work and whatnot because I did some research on that stuff years ago, but I also have the recall of a lima bean. So basically my understanding of the yakuza comes from three sources: 1)Kizuna, 2)old issues of Witchblade where Tora no Shi kicked major ass, and 3)stories from my mother about fingerless men hanging around the backs of Pachinko parlours in the 1970s. So from these sources we can assume that the yakuza consist of well-dressed pretty-boys who like to fuck other men and trade lousy prizes for cigarettes.

Hm. Maybe Gackt wasn't such a bad choice for the part after all.

Okay. So the movie takes place in the future. Gackt lives in a swell penthouse in Tokyo with robotic slave-bois. How can he afford housing in Tokyo? He controls an empire of CRIME! Using his funky yakuza connections he has managed to infiltrate the world of JRock and is planning a hostile takeover involving strange dance moves and really frightening mascots. Anyone who stands in his way gets to meet up with Jimmy Hoffa.

Hyde, our tough-but-caring cop, gets wind of Gackt's evil schemes and decides he has to out a stop to it. To get Hyde off his case, Gackt orders the death of Hyde's beloved and vapid fiance. Hyde is heartbroken and SWEARS revenge. With the help of a beautiful man-woman who is sleeping with Gackt (cameo by Mana) he worms his way into the yakuza boss' office. He is served a dry martina by Gackt's random robot slave-boy.

Gackt is surprised to find Hyde in his office when he gets back from his pedicure, but is impressed that the copper has made it so far. He's obviously resourceful and Gackt could always use someone working for him on the inside.
"I'm gonna make you an offer you cant refuse..."

Hyde considers Gackt's offer... he'll get all the money, sex-bitches and hair-dye he could ever want. But the face of his beloved rises in his mind and he refuses, shoving Gackt across the desk because Gackt had been moving really close while he was thinking and seemed to have ideas about messing with his 'private areas.'
Climactic battle scene!

Gackt dies... but the death scene lasts about forty minutes. Hyde leaves the office, battle-scarred but still a Good Guy. Mana steals the robot-boy when he thinks we aren't looking. The credits roll to the sound of Gackt and Hyde singing a duet in broken Engrish that goes something like this:
Oh, you want to rule the city
you bleachy hair, so pretty
you tried to break my heart, instead
you lay on the ground, so dead

So there you go, ladies and gents. Don't doubt me... I KNOW things.



"Leave the gun. Take the sushi."