In the underground parking lot at the Scabbotsford mall there are a number of little electrical boxes attached to the concrete walls. For some reason the local religious zealots have a habit of stuffing pamphlets about how to save your soul from eternal damnation behind the wires on these things. I know this because my sister collects the damn things.
So anyhow, on a recent trip to the mall to kidnap children for scientific experiments we happened to pass the boxes of salvation. Jutting from behind the wires was a pink pamphlet that was unfamilar. So I reached out and snagged it for my sibling, not realising I was about to take a sneak peak into HELL...
Here is an exact copy of what I found typed in that pamphlet. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with sporks after reading it.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE LOVE???
Yes, my friend, I am here to tell you about the Holy Order of the Knights of Shazna, the ONE TRUE religion!! In this dark and dreary world, only the pure and holy light of Shazna can redeem us!! You may be doubtful, but many people have already opened their hearts to Shazna and to Izam's all- consuming Melty Love for us all.
THE BENEFITS OF SHAZNA!!!
Many great and wondrous miracles have set our Holy Order apart from all other religions including:
-Safety from the evils of widespread popularity
-Redemption from all sins, such as being a fuckhead
-Peace and security of mind
-The color pink
-A really cute wardrobe
NOT JUST A FAIRYTALE!!
Sure, you may be saying, that's great, but can't ANY religion offer me a really cute wardrobe? Unfortunately, dear friend, the answer is NO!! No other religion on this earth can claim to have the adorable sense of fashion that Izam can provide for us. Some may try, but these false-Izams can't even come close to the splendor of the ONE TRUE SHAZNA!!
THE END IS NIGH!!!
That's right, the end of the world is coming, and do YOU want to be the ONLY ONE without Shazna? Do you want to die cold and alone and wearing STRETCH PANTS?? I didn't think so! NOW is the time to become one with Shazna and take into your heart all the Melty Love Izam can give!!
SPREAD THE WORD!!!
Now that you've taken Shazna to heart, spread the word of the Holy Order to all your friends, family, and random strangers on the street! Take up that Melty Love and pass it along!!
Sometimes it can be hard to talk about Shazna with unbelievers, who will say things like "What the hell is a Shazna?" and "Dude, is that a girl? Are you SURE it's not a girl?" But don't let this daunt you! Talk about Shazna anywhere and everywhere you go!! A good conversational starter like this can be used:
"So, Bob, you seen that new Star Wars movie?"
"Actually, Robert, I'd like to talk to you about Shazna. Have you accepted Izam into your life yet?"
"Pass the potatoes, Susie."
"Mom, did you know that Izam's Melty Love embraces us all?"
UNBELIEVABLE JOY, HAPPINESS, AND PRETTY HAIR WILL BE YOURS!!!
Don't be like the unbelievers; I once denied the Holy Pinkish Light of Shazna too, but boy was I wrong!! Now that I have come to know Izam and his followers, I only regret that it took me so long to feel the Melty Love!! But it's not too late... you can join any time, and all your past sins and fashion faux-pas shall be swept away!!!
REMEMBER, SHAZNA IS HERE AND NOW!!!
Oh. My. God.
As you can plainly see, Izam has started a cult and is intent on my destruction. I know what you're up to, you fruity bastard, and it won't work! BACK TO HELL WITH THEE, SATAN!! People, please, don't be fooled! Izam is evil incarnate and will swallow your soul like a Deadite if you give him half a chance. Do not be fooled by these LIES!
Izam is evil. Don't forget that. In order to escape his influence I suggest you NEVER listen to Shazna's music. Never watch the videos. Beat up anything pink and foofy that gets in your line of sight. Don't fall victim to his melty ways.
I'm onto you, Izam...
Izam pamphlet written by Writer
Izam pamphlet written by Writer