As hard as it is to believe, rock concerts -unlike parades- do NOT just occur spontaneously. They require the careful planning and effort of a bunch of nameless slobs who get paid dick-all and only actually see the band if they happen to be selling drugs on the sly.

The band has to get ready for the concert too, of course. But not by rehearsing or tuning their instruments... screw that! 97% of prep-time is used by J-Rockers to get into costume and do their hair and makeup.

"Gee," you must be thinking. "I'd give my left nut to get backstage and watch my favourite J-Rockers get ready for a show!" Well, gentle reader, there's no need to go hacking at your testicles with a rusty saw just yet because I'm here to tell you all about it.

The fine tradition of taking an obscenely long time to get ready for a concert started, of course, with J-Rock legends X Japan. Seven full hours were required to spray each band member's hair into an upright position. Underlings often passed out from the fumes, and it was always a challenge to keep hide from huffing the hairspray. When the hairspray ran out (it ran out faster when the underlings assigned to keep it away from hide fainted) wallpaper glue was often used.

But what about J-Rockers TODAY? Using ancient magic arts taught to me by some raving derelict outside the 7-Eleven, I will now allow you a glimpse into the world of J-Rock Backstage!

Malice Mizer (before Gackt left)

First of all, roadies have to unload Gackt's special hibernation chamber. This chamber resebles a space pod and it is where Gackt sleeps when not preforming or making weird commercials. Several tubes are plugged into Gackt's spine and slowly secrete a substance that turns bone and cartilige into rubber.

After unloading Gackt and reminding him where he is, the band has to get into costume. (Several underlings have been crushed to death or seriously injured by attempting to lift boxes containing the crinolin for Mana's outfits.) Next comes hair and makeup. Various wigs stolen from sad clowns and made from the remains of dead poodles are used to create Malice Mizer's unique hairstyles.

For makeup, a good base is required. Most of the band members prefer to use spackle, followed by a smooth coat of 'Eggshell White' paint.

Right before the show the band has to psyche themselves up. Yu~ki and Kozi generally take turns chewing on blood capsules and grinning at each other. Mana sits in a corner staring impassively at a mirror, practicing the perfect 'bitch' look. Occassionally he gets one of the underlings to give him head so he can make sure his face is utterly expressionless no matter WHAT. Gackt, meanwhile, wanders around looking melodramatic. Every once in a while he tries the infamous "Gackt-Face" on Mana, but of course it never does anything. Oral sex (remember, Gackt's bisexual!) also has no effect and only serves to smear Gackt's lipstick, which then has to be reapplied, so the concert starts late.

Dir en grey

One of the first and most challenging things to do is rouse lead singer and international country star Kyo from the coma he slips into whenever he's not preforming. This is usually accomplished by dangling MacFarlane action figures in front of him or by jabbing him with safety pins. If these tactics fail, the rest of the band starts making short jokes and trying to steal Kyo's platforms, which invaribaly wakes him up.

By this time, guitarist Die has usually gotten bored and so started torturing Shinya, Deg's drummer. When Shinya starts crying it becomes necessary to send Die to the corner to think about what he's done. Shinya gets a lollipop.

Lots of fake hair is attached to various skulls with pointed objects. The band has to help one another slide into their respective vinyl/leather outfits and every once in a while someone gets stuck and the paramedics have to be called. The band then does their makeup. Kyo's makeup is applied perfectly, with a precision professional makeup artists would envy. He then rolls around on the floor and smears his face on the rug to make pretty patterns. The end result gives us the Fugly Kyo look we've all come to know and love.

By this point Shinya's crying again so Die gets sent into the hallway and Shinya's makeup is redone.

Shazna

Although more J-Pop than Rock, I've chosen to include Shazna's prep activities in this article because they're worthy of ANY hardcore 80's metal band. Indeed, Shazna's backstage activities make North American shock-rocker Marilyn Manson look tame.

To begin with, Izam leads a young goat into the dressing room. The other band members kneel and start chanting the sacred cry of Waynes World: "We're not worthy!" Izam then proceeds to slaughter the young goat and drink its blood. The entire band then eats the goat's entrails with a nice bottle of wine. Chocolate mousse is generally served as dessert. The band then dances nekkid around the goat's body screaming "Smokey the Bear! Lord and Master! SATAN SATAN SATAN!"

Izam then brands a few underlings with the 'mark of the beast,' which the poor fools mistakenly think is an autograph.

After that the band showers (to wash off all the blood) and does their hair and makeup. Izam's cosmetics are all, of course, Barbie-approved.

So they're you have it, kids - an inside view of what goes on backstage at J-Rock concerts!