Zelgadis: foaming at the mouth by this time You're insane! Crazy! Nuts nuts nuts!
Harukami: (He's talking to me) |/ (<-- victory sign)
Zelgadis: Why do you DO this to me?!?
Xelloss: Because you're just so CUTE when you're angry! ^_^
Zel: And now she's encouraged YOU to lose all your self-respect and ENJOY these fics!
Xel: I've read this fic before. It's highly amusing.
Zel: What do you mean, you've 'read it before'? (suspiciously)
Xel: I was her proofreader and advisor.
Valgarv: Ha! And again, I miss gettin' caught by the psycho fic authors!
Xel: Guess again, honey bunch.
Valgarv: WHAT?!? I'M IN THIS ONE?!?
Harukami: enjoying herself Mmm-hmm. But you're only a baby.
Val: Xelloss is a PEDOPHILE?!!
Xel: You're surprised?
Harukami: No, actually he's rather gentlemanly until you grow up.
Zel: thinking None of us are blond, sooo...
POP Gourry appears
Gourry: I still don't know what a yaoi fic is! What IS it?
Harukami: It's what this isn't. This is very light yaoi at the least, and not much until the end anyways.
ayml: sounds of people leaving
Harukami: NO! COME BACK!! READ IT 'CAUSE SOME IS IN THERE! HONTO NI! Geez, and most people ask forgiveness for putting some IN.
Val: Say, is this one of those situations where the author's notes are longer than the fic itself?
Harukami: Isn't it always? BTW, you've all probably noticed my Xel/Zel bias...
Val: Nod nod
Gou: Bias? Isn't that a kind of bug?
Harukami:... but I tried to get over it for this one. Unless you count the brief reference to a trio.
Gou: They sing songs?
Harukami: Anyways, before I get banned from writing for too-long intros, here's the fic. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Once upon a time, in a small cabin in the woods, lived three gorgeous Mazoku: A mommy Mazoku, a daddy Mazoku, and a tiny little baby Mazoku.
Actually, the only one who was full Mazoku was the daddy Mazoku, but that's another story.
Daddy Mazoku was a smiling priest of doom. He was a priest for the Beastmaster, one of the generals under Ruby-Eyed Shabrinigido, and he rarely ever stopped smiling. Once in a while he would snarl and beat Baby Mazoku with his staff, but then he'd remember he'd gone out of character and smile while beating Baby Mazoku with his staff.
Mommy Mazoku was actually a man, and only a third Mazoku, but it worked anyway because he looked good in drag and it was hard enough to find a good-looking human-shaped Mazoku as it was. He was not happy to be referred to as Daddy Mazoku's wife, not happy to be Mazoku at all, and not happy to be in this fic. Actually, he was pretty much an all-around grump, but he was damn sexy, which is what really matters.
Baby Mazoku wasn't even Mazoku anymore, but he used to be. He was originally an Ancient Dragon, but his whole race had been killed off so he was reborn as part-Dragon, part-Mazoku. Later he was reborn again as a baby Ancient Dragon (which is an oxymoron), but maybe he still had Mazoku taint. Close enough. Anyway, they'd handed Baby Mazoku over to a Dragon lady then snuck after and stole him back because, like some fanfiction authors have claimed, they were a threesome.
Anyway, these three gorgeous Mazoku (mostly Mazoku) were just sitting down to breakfast.
"What are we having, dear?" Daddy Mazoku asked, smiling.
Mommy Mazoku grimaced at the name. "Porridge," he said shortly.
"Not human heads in their own blood?"
"We had that yesterday." The fanfiction author pokied Mommy Mazoku in the butt. "...dear," Mommy Mazoku ground out.
Baby Mazoku tasted his porridge. "Goo goo GA goo ga bla!" he shouted.
"What'd he say?" Mommy Mazoku asked Daddy Mazoku, who was also universal translator.
Daddy Mazoku cleared his throat as he prepared to translate. "He said, 'Ya stupid asses! What are ya tryin' ta do, kill me?! I'm a baby now, ya assholes, and my mouth's sensitive! Either give me somthin' cooler or let it rest, but ya ain't feedin' me that crap!" Daddy Mazoku patted Baby Mazoku on the head. Baby Mazoku tried to bite his hand off.
"Let's take a walk," Mommy Mazoku suggested, more from a desire to get the story over with than out of actual concern for his 'family'.
"Good idea," Daddy Mazoku agreed. "That will give the porridge time to cool." Smiling, he picked up Baby Mazoku.
"Ga goo ble GA goo," Baby Mazoku commented.
Mommy Mazoku frowned. "Huh?"
"'I hate bein' carried by ya. Someone kill the fanfiction writer fer doin' this ta me!" Daddy Mazoku tickled Baby Mazoku under the chin. Baby Mazoku hissed at him.
Daddy Mazoku's smile widened. "You're so cute when you're angry. If only you were an adult again." Ignoring Baby Mazoku's attempts to rip out his throat, he led his 'family' out the door.
Meanwhile, a blond bishonen was making his way through the woods. "I'm sooo hungry," he complained.
He was known as Goldilocks, but he wasn't sure why. He wasn't rich, and he'd never worked for a locksmith. The whole thing confused the blond Goldilocks.
But anyway, he was famished. It was a hard life as a mercenary on the road. Peering ahead, he saw a small cottage. "Hey, maybe they'll give me some food!" Suddenly gaining energy, he dashed towards his target.
Goldilocks knocked excitedly on the door. "Hel-lo! Anybody home?" The door swung open. "Hello?"
Slowly, Goldilocks entered the house. "Weird, nobody's home." Suddenly, a delicious smell reached him. "What's that? - PORRIDGE?! I LOVE porridge!!"
His stomach growled. "Uh... I'm sure they won't mind if I have some. I mean... they just left it here..." He managed to hold out another few seconds before he found himself in front of the table.
Goldilocks tried to scramble into a chair, but Daddy Mazoku liked to levitate his chair above the table and he couldn't reach. He reached for the bowl of porridge anyway, but it burnt his mouth when he tried to eat it. "This porridge is too hot!"
Stomach grumbling pitifully, he scrambled over to the next chair and sat himself in that. Unfortunately, it was built for someone heavy as a rock, and was very sore to sit in. Shifting uncomfortably, he grabbed Mommy Mazoku's porridge but spat out the disgusting stuff. "This porridge is too cold!"
Desperately, he stumbled into Baby Mazoku's highchair. Although it was a tight squeeze, he fit, and grabbed Baby Mazoku's porridge. Tasting it, his eyes lit up. "This porridge is JUST RIGHT!" he exclaimed, and gobbled it all up.
Just as he finished, the high chair snapped under him and he slammed to the floor. "Itai," he complained, rubbing his bottom. "Man... I hurt so much and I'm so tired... I'll just lie down. I'm sure whoever lives here won't mind!"
Looking around, he eventually found the beds. He collapsed onto the largest bed then shouted with terror as he was bounced high into the air. Evidentally, someone liked bouncing on the bed a lot. Somehow, Goldilocks managed to get off the bed and stood there, panting with fright.
Slowly, he recovered himself and tested the next bed. It was hard as a rock, being, in fact, intended for a rock.
Getting off that, he crawled into Baby Mazoku's crib. It was small but soft and comfy, and when he curled up, he was quite comfortable. "This is just right," Goldilocks sighed, and fell asleep immediately.
At the same time, the three gorgeous Mazoku returned home. They hurried to the table for their porridge and Daddy Mazoku froze in mock horror (he'd read the story before). He threw his hands up in a motion fo surprise, dropping Baby Mazoku, who bounced. "Oh look! Someone has been sitting in my chair and eating my porridge!"
"Grr-ga GOO!" Baby Mazoku snarled.
Daddy Mazoku smiled. "Please?" he resoinded.
Mommy Mazoku sighed and attempted to get the plot moving again. "Someone's been sitting in my chair and eating my food, too," he said, and added, "though it's not like it's obvious."
"Goo goo ga grr!"
"He says someone broke his chair and ate all his porridge," Daddy Mazoku translated.
"And adds that he'd like to eat the intruder."
Mommy Mazoku blinked.
Smiling, Daddy Mazoku reminded him, "He IS a growing Dragon." The fanfiction author pokied him. "Pardon me, Mazoku."
Sighing, Mommy Mazoku started to drag his 'family' to the bedroom. "Let's get going."
Daddy Mazoku glomped him. "But I'm having so much fun, dear!"
Mommy Mazoku's fist twitched, but before he lost control and smacked Daddy Mazoku, they'd arrived at the beds. Daddy Mazoku gasped, flinging his hands up and dropping Baby Mazoku again. "Oh no! Someone's been bouncing on the bed!' Daddy Mazoku smiled, phazed in over the bed and started bouncing himself.
"And by strange coincidence," Mommy Mazoku said dryly, "someone's been lying in my bed, too."
"That's obvious dear," Daddy Mazoku smiled, doing a backflip.
"DIMMER BOLT!" Mommy Mazoku shouted, firing off a blast at Daddy Mazoku. It hit him, who was blasted upward, hitting the ceiling. He stuck there for a few seconds before peeling off and hitting the bed, starting the bounce sequence again.
"Grr! GRR! GAA GA GOO!" said Baby Mazoku.
Mommy Mazoku shook his head. "What did he say?"
Daddy Mazoku still had SD Dragons spinning around his head and didn't answer.
"Do I have to hurt you again?" Mommy Mazoku threatened.
Snapping out of it, Daddy Mazoku smiled. "Yes, please?"
"Don't tempt me. What did he SAY?"
"Uh... 'some son of a bitch's lyin' in my bed too... and the asshole's still there!'"
The other two Mazoku glanced over at the crib. Sure enough, there lay Goldilocks, nose bubble growing and shrinking as he snored. Feeling the weight of their eyes on him, he woke and look around at them. "Uh... hi! Sorry to be a bother, but I was hungry and tired, so I just... oh, hi, Zel!"
Mommy Mazoku slapped his forehead. "Gourry, you're supposed to pretend not to know me," he murmured sotto voce. "This is a fanfiction."
Daddy Mazoku cleared his throat. "So, family, what should we do with our captive?"
"What?" asked Goldilocks.
"'Eat him! Eat him!'"
Mommy Mazoku frowned at them stonily. "Let him go."
Then Daddy Mazoku added his vote. "Rape him, torture him, then kill him!" He smiled brightly.
The other two Mazoku glared at him.
Daddy Mazoku sighed. "Okay, okay. SEDUCE him, torture him, then kill him."
"GRR! Goo ga!"
Pouting, Daddy Mazoku replied, "Really, you don't NEED to eat him to grow big quickly. I know you want an adult body to go with your adult mind, but either you'll have to find an artefact to absorb into your body like that Red Priest did, or you'll just have to be patient. So, what do we do with Goldilocks here?"
"Let him go," Mommy Mazoku insisted.
"We could skip the rape or seduction and just torture and kill him."
"No! Let him go!"
"You like him, don't you?" Daddy Mazoku accused.
"So what if I do? We should still LET HIM GO!"
"Don't I get a say in this?" Goldilocks questioned.
Meanwhile, wheels were turning in Baby Mazoku's head. Hmm... absorb an artefact... his gaze fell to Goldilocks's hip.
Seeing that no one was paying attention to him, he went into his half-Dragon form and unfolded kawaii chibi wings. He flapped into the air, flying to the crib. Slowly, he reached for the item...
"Hey!" Goldilocks shouted as the Dragon (Mazoku) flew to a far corner, cradling the object in his arms. "That's my Hikari no Ken!"
Baby Mazoku blew a tiny raspberry, then raised the sword. "A-an!" GULP.
Goldilocks, Mommy Mazoku, and Daddy Mazoku all facefaulted. "He ate the Hikari no Ken?" Mommy Mazoku asked the question uppermost in all their minds.
Baby Mazoku blinked. His eyes crossed. He started to hiccup, letting off little flares of light. The other three drew closer in disbelief.
Suddenly, Baby Mazoku belched, and a huge flare of pure light exploded from him, knocking the only pure Mazoku, Daddy Mazoku, against the far wall, light eating into him. "Oh, that's gonna leave a mark," Daddy Mazoku groaned.
Mommy Mazoku took advantage of this situation to grab Goldilocks and got them the hell out of there. "LET'S GO!"
The other side of the woods, they stopped to breathe. "I guess I was in a lot of trouble, huh?" Goldilocks asked.
"You could say that," Mommy Mazoku agreed.
"Why are you in a dress?"
Mommy Mazoku gritted his teeth. "Insane fanfiction author."
"Oh." Goldilocks put a hand behind his head and laughed. "I guess I owe you one, right? What can I do to make it up to you?" Suddenly, Goldilocks seemed to be standing too close.
"You... you don't need to make it up to me."
"Oh, but I want to," Goldilocks insisted. "What can I do?"
Ex-Baby Mazoku stood on two feet, laughing maniacally with delight. "Finally! I got my body back! No more of that goddamn embarrassing..." his words faded away as he saw Daddy Mazoku recovering and staring at...
...body. "Oh, shit."
Daddy Mazoku smiled. "I haven't seen you as Valteria for so very long."
"Giku!" Ex-Baby Mazoku looked in desparation for an exit.
"What's the matter" Daddy Mazoku smiled. "Don't you like me any more?"
"You used to like me..."
Ex-Baby Mazoku realized witha sinking feeling that there was no way out.
The smile was burning on Daddy Mazoku's face as his cloak hit the floor.
"...like me a lot."
The Ex-Baby Mazoku sighed. This seemed to be happening a lot.
He HAD to stop hanging around those yaoi authors.
... And they all lived in a semi-contented state ever after.
Zelgadis: SEMI-CONTENTED!?!? WHY THE HELL WOULD WE BE SEMI-CONTENTED?!
Xelloss: peering closely at the foam on his mouth I think he has rabies. ^_^
Zelgadis: I do NOT HAVE RABIES, you FRUITCAKE!
Valgarv: still laying on the ground twitching Hiss...
Harukami: To understand the whole 'absorbing artefact' thing, one has to have read the manga. Rezo didn't just use the Philosopher's Stone. He ATE the Philosopher's stone.
Zelgadis: Yes, we all know he was insane.
Xelloss: But it worked. ^_^
Valgarv: recovering senses Ok, Zelgadis. Let's lynch her.
Zelgadis: evil smile
Harukami: If you dare, I'll... I'll... I'll slash you with the Beastmaster in her Mazoku form! And you, Zel... I'll write you into a lemon with Rezo! After all, he slept with his own daughter, why not his grandson/great-granson?!
Zelgadis and Valgarv: Thunk
Xelloss: pat pat You learn well, my pupil.
Harukami: Thank you, master.
My head hurts... home , please?